Be content with what you have. What you have is enough.
I want more friends.
My heart is like a vacuum that indiscriminately sucks up people. My heart is never full enough so I compulsively seek friends that might love me enough to stop the pain. I have felt lonely and rejected since I was five years old. That five year old little girl is narcissistic to the core. Her needs are insatiable. She doesn't know how to be a friend, but she knows how to make new ones. That's what I do. I try to make enough friends to turn the vacuum in my heart off. To convince myself I am worthy, likable, lovable, and good. My heart is a bottomless hole and I have no love to give. Therefore, I make friends but then expect them to fix me. I have so many needs and expectations that I can't even begin to meet their needs or be a friend. On top of all of this I am extremely introverted and enjoy my time alone. But, I reject that part of myself and tell myself that having a large group of girlfriends and a full social calendar equals love and acceptance. Instead of honoring myself and treasuring the few close friends that I have I continue to try to gain the approval of women in order to fill my broken heart.
You can't do better until you know better.
I know better. I am learning all about the needs of that little girl that lives in my heart. It's time I help her grow up. I am purposefully pouring into the few friends that I have and not acting on the compulsive need to make new ones.
Be content with what you have. What you have is enough.
I want more things.
Pinterest is a dangerous thing for me. I have had a pinterest in my mind since I was little. I keep a mental inventory of all the things that I want but do not have. From the cool shoes that every girl but me had to the perfect rustic dining room table. Pinterest gives me a greater sense of need. I can salivate over pictures of things for hours. It feels good in the moment. I can fantasize over my dream kitchen or hair color or outfit and now, instead of doing this in my imagination, I have real life visual images of these things I desire. It's like a drug. My mood is lifted in the moment but then comes the hangover. In the wake of my pinterest high nothing I actually have in my real life seems good enough. It's all wrong. My clothes. My decor. My life.
Lately, I have been convicted of this need for things. It's unhealthy and at the very heart of this need is an ungrateful little brat.
Somewhere in this world at this very moment is a woman covering her baby in a piece of newspaper to keep her warm and praying that they'll just wake up in the morning. There are people suffering needs every single day. Real, live, flesh and blood, made in His image, people. That doesn't mean my needs don't matter just because someone else's needs are more but it does give me some perspective. It helps me differentiate between my genuine needs and my wants.
Pinterest isn't the problem. My empty heart is the problem and no amount of things will ever be enough to fill it. I have been given so much and I don't appreciate it.
I am working on being thankful. I am trying to grow up.
Be content with what you have. What you have is enough.
If I keep chasing after the ever elusive "more" I'm afraid I'll lose what I have, wake up older and realize what I had was more than I ever dreamed.
I will be content with what I have. What I have is enough.
.......................................
Don't miss what you have searching for what you have not.
12:54 PM
5:08 PM
Sh*t anti-feminists say.
I had a statement made to me awhile back that I can't seem to shake.
A statement that didn't sit right.
A statement that made me sad.
A statement that I can't believe is being made in the year 2013.
What was this unnerving statement, you ask?
"Our sons are like arrows. We must figure out where our sons want to go in life and then shoot them in that direction. But, our daughters need a different type of education. They will be wives and mothers so our main focus needs to be preparing them for those roles."
Really? REALLLLY?
I totally agree with helping our sons figure out their strengths and then encouraging them in that direction. But, call me crazy, I want those same things for my daughter. I don't ever want her to think that her only "right" future is one of laundry, diapers and Betty Crocker recipes just because she was born with a vagina.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom when she grows up. That's my life and I love it (most of the time). But, what I don't want is for her to think that is the ONLY option available to her. That somehow being an astronaut, mechanic, teacher, or engineer are impossible or inappropriate choices for her. That because she is a woman she is not capable or worthy of dreams for herself outside of marriage and babies.
I used to say that I was an "anti-feminist" but that was before I knew what feminism really was. The extremist "men drool and women rule" type of feminist is not a true feminist. That crazy ass woman is an elitist biznatch. I hated feminism because I thought it meant believing women are superior to men and I do NOT believe that. I have never believed either sex is superior to the other.
True feminism is believing that women and men were created equal and as such are due equal rights. I now wholeheartedly consider myself a feminist.
I want my daughter to know she can follow her dreams, no matter what they might be. I want her to know that being a woman does not make her less than. I want her to know that whether she wants to get married or not, be a mother or not, work or not, she is still a woman worthy of respect and love.
I want all of my children to know that they were created by a loving Creator. That they were fearfully and wonderfully made. That they are more than their gender, sexual orientation or career choice.
I do not ever want to limit them.
Our children are capable of greatness and that includes our daughters.
Let's help our girls dream big.
................................................................
I am in complete shock that this type of sexism still exists and that women themselves are perpetrating it.
Have you ever experienced anything like this?
A statement that didn't sit right.
A statement that made me sad.
A statement that I can't believe is being made in the year 2013.
What was this unnerving statement, you ask?
"Our sons are like arrows. We must figure out where our sons want to go in life and then shoot them in that direction. But, our daughters need a different type of education. They will be wives and mothers so our main focus needs to be preparing them for those roles."
Really? REALLLLY?
I totally agree with helping our sons figure out their strengths and then encouraging them in that direction. But, call me crazy, I want those same things for my daughter. I don't ever want her to think that her only "right" future is one of laundry, diapers and Betty Crocker recipes just because she was born with a vagina.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom when she grows up. That's my life and I love it (most of the time). But, what I don't want is for her to think that is the ONLY option available to her. That somehow being an astronaut, mechanic, teacher, or engineer are impossible or inappropriate choices for her. That because she is a woman she is not capable or worthy of dreams for herself outside of marriage and babies.
I used to say that I was an "anti-feminist" but that was before I knew what feminism really was. The extremist "men drool and women rule" type of feminist is not a true feminist. That crazy ass woman is an elitist biznatch. I hated feminism because I thought it meant believing women are superior to men and I do NOT believe that. I have never believed either sex is superior to the other.
True feminism is believing that women and men were created equal and as such are due equal rights. I now wholeheartedly consider myself a feminist.
I want my daughter to know she can follow her dreams, no matter what they might be. I want her to know that being a woman does not make her less than. I want her to know that whether she wants to get married or not, be a mother or not, work or not, she is still a woman worthy of respect and love.
I want all of my children to know that they were created by a loving Creator. That they were fearfully and wonderfully made. That they are more than their gender, sexual orientation or career choice.
I do not ever want to limit them.
Our children are capable of greatness and that includes our daughters.
Let's help our girls dream big.
................................................................
I am in complete shock that this type of sexism still exists and that women themselves are perpetrating it.
Have you ever experienced anything like this?
9:30 AM
Should I stay or should I go now?
Social media.
Obviously, I am not against it. I post status updates at a minimum of once a day. I post pictures on instagram. I check for updates on the regular and I love to blog (clearly).
But, there are days that I want to delete my facebook, instagram and even my blog.
And here's why:
1. I'm a sensitive soul.
There are so many times that scrolling my newsfeed and scanning my instagram reel make me feel about this big. Pictures of girls nights and parties that I wasn't invited to can trigger my shame and feelings of unworthiness. It's like a knife to the heart and a mean girl on megaphone shouting "YOU SUCK AND NOBODY LIIIKES YOU! oh and p.s. you uuuugly!". Clearly I have self esteem issues and I'm aware that these issues are my own and not anyones fault. After all, I do the same thing without worrying about how the friends who weren't invited will feel. (maybe I should stop that) Then there's also my inability to go without noticing how many "likes" and followers others have compared to how many I have. It's petty and stupid but I do it. When my friend posts a picture and gets 64 "likes" in less than 5 minutes and that picture I posted 2 hours ago doesn't even have "likes" in the double digits, I feel "less than". I might have some pride issues to work on.
2. The amount of bullshit people post that makes me want to go ape shit on them but instead I turn into a jerk who posts passive aggressive status updates in hopes that said "bullshit poster" will read my updates and feel sorry for being an ass face.
Not sure that needs much clarification but basically I get real angry at people who use their status updates to shame other people and when that happens I turn into a person I don't want to be.
3. Attempting to keep up connection with 668 (yes... I know my exact "friend" number) people makes it hard to keep up connection with the 4 people living in my home.
I had a realization this morning. When I'm on my death bed it won't matter how many baby showers I was invited to, how many "likes" my status updates received or how many facebook friends or instragram followers I had if I am disconnected from my husband and children. If my kids grow up feeling lonely and neglected because I cared more about inspiring and lifting up others than I did about connecting with them then I will have wasted my life. I am learning so much wisdom on this journey and I desperately want to share that information with all of you. But, I'm embarrassed to admit how little I share with my children. Instead of writing witty status updates and blog posts maybe I should spend more time sharing what I'm learning with the children I've been entrusted to guide through this life. Ya, maybe that would be life better spent. I'm so afraid of losing connectedness with all of you but what about my connectedness to my kids and husband? They need to come first.
With all of the legitimate ways social media is hurting mine and my families lives you may be wondering why I wait even one more day to unplug from all of it.
Even with all the bad there is still so much good that comes from social media. This woman pulled me through the deepest depression I had ever experienced. Her words inspired me to start showing up in my own life again and told me that I wasn't alone. Once you have been rescued there is a natural desire to rescue others. I feel like I have been called to share what has been shared with me. I want to help others out of the pit.
Social media has given me a source of influence. It has given me a place to share with others the way to healing that I have found. I have had so many conversations that never would have happened without social media. There is so much good that can come from something as small as a blog post or a status update.
This morning I'm realizing that it's me that's the problem. It's not social media's fault that I am sad, lonely, addicted, compulsive, angry or afraid. Social media just brings to the surface the things that were already there.
So I am deciding to keep my facebook, instagram and blog and work on getting rid of those things that it brings to the surface.
When I feel left out and lonely I will reach out.
When I feel angry I will work on compassion and finding common ground.
I will set boundaries for my usage so that I don't neglect my family in the process.
Most of all I will work on determining how I can make social media work for me and not against me.
..........................................................
Do you ever feel like deleting it all and becoming a recluse? No? Just me?
Obviously, I am not against it. I post status updates at a minimum of once a day. I post pictures on instagram. I check for updates on the regular and I love to blog (clearly).
But, there are days that I want to delete my facebook, instagram and even my blog.
And here's why:
1. I'm a sensitive soul.
There are so many times that scrolling my newsfeed and scanning my instagram reel make me feel about this big. Pictures of girls nights and parties that I wasn't invited to can trigger my shame and feelings of unworthiness. It's like a knife to the heart and a mean girl on megaphone shouting "YOU SUCK AND NOBODY LIIIKES YOU! oh and p.s. you uuuugly!". Clearly I have self esteem issues and I'm aware that these issues are my own and not anyones fault. After all, I do the same thing without worrying about how the friends who weren't invited will feel. (maybe I should stop that) Then there's also my inability to go without noticing how many "likes" and followers others have compared to how many I have. It's petty and stupid but I do it. When my friend posts a picture and gets 64 "likes" in less than 5 minutes and that picture I posted 2 hours ago doesn't even have "likes" in the double digits, I feel "less than". I might have some pride issues to work on.
2. The amount of bullshit people post that makes me want to go ape shit on them but instead I turn into a jerk who posts passive aggressive status updates in hopes that said "bullshit poster" will read my updates and feel sorry for being an ass face.
Not sure that needs much clarification but basically I get real angry at people who use their status updates to shame other people and when that happens I turn into a person I don't want to be.
3. Attempting to keep up connection with 668 (yes... I know my exact "friend" number) people makes it hard to keep up connection with the 4 people living in my home.
I had a realization this morning. When I'm on my death bed it won't matter how many baby showers I was invited to, how many "likes" my status updates received or how many facebook friends or instragram followers I had if I am disconnected from my husband and children. If my kids grow up feeling lonely and neglected because I cared more about inspiring and lifting up others than I did about connecting with them then I will have wasted my life. I am learning so much wisdom on this journey and I desperately want to share that information with all of you. But, I'm embarrassed to admit how little I share with my children. Instead of writing witty status updates and blog posts maybe I should spend more time sharing what I'm learning with the children I've been entrusted to guide through this life. Ya, maybe that would be life better spent. I'm so afraid of losing connectedness with all of you but what about my connectedness to my kids and husband? They need to come first.
With all of the legitimate ways social media is hurting mine and my families lives you may be wondering why I wait even one more day to unplug from all of it.
Even with all the bad there is still so much good that comes from social media. This woman pulled me through the deepest depression I had ever experienced. Her words inspired me to start showing up in my own life again and told me that I wasn't alone. Once you have been rescued there is a natural desire to rescue others. I feel like I have been called to share what has been shared with me. I want to help others out of the pit.
Social media has given me a source of influence. It has given me a place to share with others the way to healing that I have found. I have had so many conversations that never would have happened without social media. There is so much good that can come from something as small as a blog post or a status update.
This morning I'm realizing that it's me that's the problem. It's not social media's fault that I am sad, lonely, addicted, compulsive, angry or afraid. Social media just brings to the surface the things that were already there.
So I am deciding to keep my facebook, instagram and blog and work on getting rid of those things that it brings to the surface.
When I feel left out and lonely I will reach out.
When I feel angry I will work on compassion and finding common ground.
I will set boundaries for my usage so that I don't neglect my family in the process.
Most of all I will work on determining how I can make social media work for me and not against me.
..........................................................
Do you ever feel like deleting it all and becoming a recluse? No? Just me?
10:39 AM
Practice makes perfect? no. just. no.
Practice makes perfect.
I absolutely hate this expression... and here's why.
1. It implies that perfection exists.
As I stated in my last post I do not believe perfection is a real thing. The sooner you realize that there's no such thing as perfection the sooner you can relax and just be... imperfections and all.
2. It creates an unattainable goal for children.
Unfortunately, this phrase is often geared at kids.
Little Johnny keeps striking out at his baseball game and his well intentioned Dad tells him, "Keep practicing son, 'practice makes perfect'".
Little Suzy has trouble mastering "Mary had a Little Lamb" on the piano and her Mother tries to encourage her, "Practice makes perfect!".
This sends the child the message that perfection could be reached if only they would try harder.
3. It's a lie.
No amount of practice will ever make you perfect.
............................
As much as I loath the idea of perfection as a goal I do love the sentiment behind this statement.
Practice. Don't give up. Keep on keeping on.
Those are all things I believe in.
Let's just change the last little word.
Practice makesperfect progress.
Yes, I like that.
Practice makes PROGRESS.
Progress is real and it's enough.
Not giving up and trying again, even when it's hard, will surely get you progress and that's the very most we can ask for.
I absolutely hate this expression... and here's why.
1. It implies that perfection exists.
As I stated in my last post I do not believe perfection is a real thing. The sooner you realize that there's no such thing as perfection the sooner you can relax and just be... imperfections and all.
2. It creates an unattainable goal for children.
Unfortunately, this phrase is often geared at kids.
Little Johnny keeps striking out at his baseball game and his well intentioned Dad tells him, "Keep practicing son, 'practice makes perfect'".
Little Suzy has trouble mastering "Mary had a Little Lamb" on the piano and her Mother tries to encourage her, "Practice makes perfect!".
This sends the child the message that perfection could be reached if only they would try harder.
3. It's a lie.
No amount of practice will ever make you perfect.
............................
As much as I loath the idea of perfection as a goal I do love the sentiment behind this statement.
Practice. Don't give up. Keep on keeping on.
Those are all things I believe in.
Let's just change the last little word.
Practice makes
Yes, I like that.
Practice makes PROGRESS.
Progress is real and it's enough.
Not giving up and trying again, even when it's hard, will surely get you progress and that's the very most we can ask for.
9:26 AM
Good Reads
Reading is my favorite.
Here are a couple of my all time favorites and recent reads that I highly recommend.
Enjoy!
Though Waters Roar
This is a fiction novel I read a few months back. This gripping tale about faith and a woman's ever changing "place" in this world was one I could not put down. From prohibition to feminism this book opened my eyes to many perspectives I had never considered. I realized how far women have come and how far we still have to go. This book helped me see that laws won't change us, only WE can change us.
The Way the Crow Flies
This is one of my all time favorite books!!! I have read this book over and over and over again and every single time I laugh, cry and get angry as if it's the first time I've read it. It's a story of abuse and how that manifests itself in the victims adult life. Love love love this book!!!
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"
I'm currently falling more in love with Brene' Brown every day. To say that I have a lady crush on her is putting it mildly. I am in the process of reading this book. It's one of those books that you can only read like a chapter a month of because it brings so much emotional baggage to the forefront of your mind that you might have a complete mental breakdown if you read it all at once. With that being said, it's totally worth every emotional outburst. Growth involves pain... right?
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
This is another all time favorite. I read this book again whenever I see those traits of codependency creeping their ugly little heads back into my life. If you have trouble not obsessing over other people than this is definitely the book for you!
Here are a couple of my all time favorites and recent reads that I highly recommend.
Enjoy!
Though Waters Roar
This is a fiction novel I read a few months back. This gripping tale about faith and a woman's ever changing "place" in this world was one I could not put down. From prohibition to feminism this book opened my eyes to many perspectives I had never considered. I realized how far women have come and how far we still have to go. This book helped me see that laws won't change us, only WE can change us.
The Way the Crow Flies
This is one of my all time favorite books!!! I have read this book over and over and over again and every single time I laugh, cry and get angry as if it's the first time I've read it. It's a story of abuse and how that manifests itself in the victims adult life. Love love love this book!!!
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"
I'm currently falling more in love with Brene' Brown every day. To say that I have a lady crush on her is putting it mildly. I am in the process of reading this book. It's one of those books that you can only read like a chapter a month of because it brings so much emotional baggage to the forefront of your mind that you might have a complete mental breakdown if you read it all at once. With that being said, it's totally worth every emotional outburst. Growth involves pain... right?
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
This is another all time favorite. I read this book again whenever I see those traits of codependency creeping their ugly little heads back into my life. If you have trouble not obsessing over other people than this is definitely the book for you!
9:31 AM
10 things I believe
1. Love is greater.
It's the name of my blog and my deepest belief. The longer I live the deeper I believe it. There is nothing stronger or more powerful than love. It is the greatest gift we can give others and the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
2. Don't assume, but if you must, at least assume the best.
God laid this on my heart in a Smith's parking lot a few years back. I have come a long way from the days of obsessing over everyones intentions and motives towards me but I still have quite a way to go. I suppose some of that comes with age. The older I get the less I give a hairy rats ass what other people think of me. It's just easier to assume the best. Trust me.
3. You'll never find your own voice singing someone else's song.
This is also a thought that God spoke straight to my heart. The meaning for me is two fold. On one hand I have always had a passion for singing and song writing but no self confidence to carry out that dream. I started singing in front of few people in the last year and it feels good. I think God was trying to tell me that in order to find my own voice musically I need to focus on writing my own music instead of mimicking other artists. Finding my own style, so to speak. The second meaning is for life in general. I will never find out who I am if I'm busy trying to be like everybody else. I am unique. Everyone is. (Which I used to think meant no one is but whatev... we're all unique.) The more I embrace what makes me me the less shame and guilt I feel for not being someone else. I am a beautiful mess loved by a perfect God for exactly the quirky, nerdy, disaster that I am. I think that's finally enough for me.
4. Drugs are bad mmmmkay... unless they're prescribed by a Doctor.
One word: Zoloft.
5. If you listen, people will tell you who they are.
I have wasted too many years on friendships with people I don't like thinking that they aren't really the type of person their actions represent. When people show you their character and who they are as a person: 1. believe them. 2. realize you can't change them. and 3. accept them as is and decide whether they are someone who fits in your life or not. (and be ok with yourself if they aren't)
6. Cleanliness is nowhere near godliness.
A spotless home and well put together outfits don't make you better than anyone. ever. period. got it?
7. Perfection has a price.
There is no such thing as perfect. I didn't know that for a long time. I tried really hard to be that and believe me it came at a high price. I was lonely, angry, resentful and unhappy. My house was clean, my dinner was made from scratch when I invited you to dinner and my kids never talked back but I was ugly inside. Let perfection go. You can't ever reach it anyways and trying to steals your joy. It's not worth it.
8. Peace is only found in the present.
"If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious, you're living in the future. If you're at peace, you're living in the present." -Lao Tzu
9. Stay in your own lane.
Too often we can spend so much time projecting our issues onto those around us and worrying about what everyone else should and should not be doing. I have been very guilty of this over the years. It's much easier to fix someone else, judge someone else and correct someone else than it is to do something about my own issues. If I would put into action even 10% of the unsolicited advice I give others my life would probably look drastically different. Let's stay in or own lane shall we and worry about our own issues before we go "saving" other people.
10. Trust your gut.
If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't. I have ignored my gut to my own demise many times. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse I learned to doubt my own feelings and ability to judge good from bad. My therapist tells me that she notices it's not that I don't have the ability to judge a situation accurately it's that I lack the confidence to trust myself and act on those gut instincts. I'm working on it.
It's the name of my blog and my deepest belief. The longer I live the deeper I believe it. There is nothing stronger or more powerful than love. It is the greatest gift we can give others and the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
2. Don't assume, but if you must, at least assume the best.
God laid this on my heart in a Smith's parking lot a few years back. I have come a long way from the days of obsessing over everyones intentions and motives towards me but I still have quite a way to go. I suppose some of that comes with age. The older I get the less I give a hairy rats ass what other people think of me. It's just easier to assume the best. Trust me.
3. You'll never find your own voice singing someone else's song.
This is also a thought that God spoke straight to my heart. The meaning for me is two fold. On one hand I have always had a passion for singing and song writing but no self confidence to carry out that dream. I started singing in front of few people in the last year and it feels good. I think God was trying to tell me that in order to find my own voice musically I need to focus on writing my own music instead of mimicking other artists. Finding my own style, so to speak. The second meaning is for life in general. I will never find out who I am if I'm busy trying to be like everybody else. I am unique. Everyone is. (Which I used to think meant no one is but whatev... we're all unique.) The more I embrace what makes me me the less shame and guilt I feel for not being someone else. I am a beautiful mess loved by a perfect God for exactly the quirky, nerdy, disaster that I am. I think that's finally enough for me.
4. Drugs are bad mmmmkay... unless they're prescribed by a Doctor.
One word: Zoloft.
5. If you listen, people will tell you who they are.
I have wasted too many years on friendships with people I don't like thinking that they aren't really the type of person their actions represent. When people show you their character and who they are as a person: 1. believe them. 2. realize you can't change them. and 3. accept them as is and decide whether they are someone who fits in your life or not. (and be ok with yourself if they aren't)
6. Cleanliness is nowhere near godliness.
A spotless home and well put together outfits don't make you better than anyone. ever. period. got it?
7. Perfection has a price.
There is no such thing as perfect. I didn't know that for a long time. I tried really hard to be that and believe me it came at a high price. I was lonely, angry, resentful and unhappy. My house was clean, my dinner was made from scratch when I invited you to dinner and my kids never talked back but I was ugly inside. Let perfection go. You can't ever reach it anyways and trying to steals your joy. It's not worth it.
8. Peace is only found in the present.
"If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious, you're living in the future. If you're at peace, you're living in the present." -Lao Tzu
9. Stay in your own lane.
Too often we can spend so much time projecting our issues onto those around us and worrying about what everyone else should and should not be doing. I have been very guilty of this over the years. It's much easier to fix someone else, judge someone else and correct someone else than it is to do something about my own issues. If I would put into action even 10% of the unsolicited advice I give others my life would probably look drastically different. Let's stay in or own lane shall we and worry about our own issues before we go "saving" other people.
10. Trust your gut.
If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't. I have ignored my gut to my own demise many times. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse I learned to doubt my own feelings and ability to judge good from bad. My therapist tells me that she notices it's not that I don't have the ability to judge a situation accurately it's that I lack the confidence to trust myself and act on those gut instincts. I'm working on it.
8:36 PM
Licks equal love.
I completely expected myself to be single with no kids and 8+ cats at this point in my life.
Buuut, here I am married with 3 kids and a DOG.
I never had a problem with dogs, per say. I just never wanted one of my own. I always thought I would be a horrible dog owner. I don't enjoy being jumped on or licked to death. I need my alone time and dogs like to follow you like a shadow. I'm a horrible disciplinarian and didn't want some Dog Whisperer worthy "out of control" pet.
I always knew that someday the kids would start asking for a dog.... and they did. It started a couple of years ago. Luckily for me, kids have the attention span of a spider monkey so I got out of it by sheer forgetfulness on their part... for awhile. Once Brandon started wanting a dog too I knew I had little time left before I would have to cave in. I had to face the music and become a dog owner!
We found our puppy through a friend of mine in Fresno, Ca.
Waiting to pick him up I started to worry that I wouldn't be able to love him. I feared that having a dog would add to my battle with depression and anxiety. On one hand I was excited to meet this cute little pug whose picture I looked at daily. On the other hand I was terrified I would be a horrible "pack leader" and my life would change for the worse.
I have never been more wrong in my life.
The minute I met my sweet Crosby boy I knew he was meant to be mine. He was meant to be a part of this family. He just belonged with us!!!
First, let me say that we totally lucked out. We got a PERFECT dog! I mean it. He came to us about 7 months old, fully house trained and cuddly as can be. He was not leash trained but he is getting better everyday. He does have some anxiety but hey I'm the queen of anxiety so we get each other. And as weird as it sound I think we make each other better. Calmer. Happier.
Well, today I thought I might lose it all.
Today was Crosby's first vet appointment. Everything went great until later that day.
He had a nasty allergic reaction to his rabies vaccine.
It started mildly and escalated quickly.
I rushed him back to the animal hospital. On the drive he started hard core throwing up and acting strange. He would no longer respond to me all.
I started bawling and begging God to save my dog. I have never loved a dog in my life and was shocked at the amount of love and anguish I felt after only knowing this precious boy for two weeks.
The vet decided to keep him for observation until closing and gave him three shots to stop the reaction. Waiting to pick him back up I was a wreck. I paced the kitchen and cleaned things. I felt like my own child was hurting. I was so worried he wouldn't come home.
But... he did!!!!!
Even as I write this post he is laying beside me licking me so fiercely that I can hardly type and I don't mind because I know to Crosby licks equal love.
My doggy is home.
Tonight I am grateful!
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