Social media.
Obviously, I am not against it. I post status updates at a minimum of once a day. I post pictures on instagram. I check for updates on the regular and I love to blog (clearly).
But, there are days that I want to delete my facebook, instagram and even my blog.
And here's why:
1. I'm a sensitive soul.
There are so many times that scrolling my newsfeed and scanning my instagram reel make me feel about this big. Pictures of girls nights and parties that I wasn't invited to can trigger my shame and feelings of unworthiness. It's like a knife to the heart and a mean girl on megaphone shouting "YOU SUCK AND NOBODY LIIIKES YOU! oh and p.s. you uuuugly!". Clearly I have self esteem issues and I'm aware that these issues are my own and not anyones fault. After all, I do the same thing without worrying about how the friends who weren't invited will feel. (maybe I should stop that) Then there's also my inability to go without noticing how many "likes" and followers others have compared to how many I have. It's petty and stupid but I do it. When my friend posts a picture and gets 64 "likes" in less than 5 minutes and that picture I posted 2 hours ago doesn't even have "likes" in the double digits, I feel "less than". I might have some pride issues to work on.
2. The amount of bullshit people post that makes me want to go ape shit on them but instead I turn into a jerk who posts passive aggressive status updates in hopes that said "bullshit poster" will read my updates and feel sorry for being an ass face.
Not sure that needs much clarification but basically I get real angry at people who use their status updates to shame other people and when that happens I turn into a person I don't want to be.
3. Attempting to keep up connection with 668 (yes... I know my exact "friend" number) people makes it hard to keep up connection with the 4 people living in my home.
I had a realization this morning. When I'm on my death bed it won't matter how many baby showers I was invited to, how many "likes" my status updates received or how many facebook friends or instragram followers I had if I am disconnected from my husband and children. If my kids grow up feeling lonely and neglected because I cared more about inspiring and lifting up others than I did about connecting with them then I will have wasted my life. I am learning so much wisdom on this journey and I desperately want to share that information with all of you. But, I'm embarrassed to admit how little I share with my children. Instead of writing witty status updates and blog posts maybe I should spend more time sharing what I'm learning with the children I've been entrusted to guide through this life. Ya, maybe that would be life better spent. I'm so afraid of losing connectedness with all of you but what about my connectedness to my kids and husband? They need to come first.
With all of the legitimate ways social media is hurting mine and my families lives you may be wondering why I wait even one more day to unplug from all of it.
Even with all the bad there is still so much good that comes from social media. This woman pulled me through the deepest depression I had ever experienced. Her words inspired me to start showing up in my own life again and told me that I wasn't alone. Once you have been rescued there is a natural desire to rescue others. I feel like I have been called to share what has been shared with me. I want to help others out of the pit.
Social media has given me a source of influence. It has given me a place to share with others the way to healing that I have found. I have had so many conversations that never would have happened without social media. There is so much good that can come from something as small as a blog post or a status update.
This morning I'm realizing that it's me that's the problem. It's not social media's fault that I am sad, lonely, addicted, compulsive, angry or afraid. Social media just brings to the surface the things that were already there.
So I am deciding to keep my facebook, instagram and blog and work on getting rid of those things that it brings to the surface.
When I feel left out and lonely I will reach out.
When I feel angry I will work on compassion and finding common ground.
I will set boundaries for my usage so that I don't neglect my family in the process.
Most of all I will work on determining how I can make social media work for me and not against me.
..........................................................
Do you ever feel like deleting it all and becoming a recluse? No? Just me?
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you need a like button on these.
ReplyDeleteLike :)
from Sherri Collier
Thanks Sherri :)
DeleteHeather, wow. First I have to say that yes, I absolutely feel like deleting mine, and contemplate it at least once a week. I find myself, like you, wanting so much to share the little nuggets and personal victories that I have when God gives them to me. I have a HUGE HUGE family and I love facebook and instagram b/c I get to stay "connected" with them. Mike and I have moved SO MANY TIMES and my family is SO BIG that I feel I will never know anything about them or vice versa if I delete. I also work from home, but MJ goes to school. I'm alone, a lot. I find sometimes that when I'm feeling "ok" about myself (basically this usually coincides with me somehow meeting a few of the 100s of stupid and unrealistic goals I've set for the day or week) then I feel "inspired" to be inspired by others. But when I don't, which is most of the time, I start out checking FB initially to find encouragement, laughter, or just a cute pic of someone's kid to get me out of my funk, and I end up feeling like what I'm doing in life or that day, whatever it is, isn't working and isn't enough. Then there is the occasional having a conversation with someone that can't hear - ridiculous. I don't want to write a book on here (too late) but I just want to say thank you for your transparency. There are things you said here that I relate to entirely more than I am ready to admit, and I can't tell you how thankful I am at this very moment that I read this post. I long to be transparent like I once was. My pride issues are debilitating sometimes. People are mean, and they scare me. And I'm finding that I now scare them too. I used to be VERY open, myself, creative, loving, but have been crushed enough to build a wall of pride that turned into anger, resentment, people pleasing and some weird outer shell of myself. And at this point, I am not living in the redemptive victory that I've been freely given, I am living in the lies that have been fed to me. Nothing worse than KNOWING the truth but still living in a lie. Your words really are so encouraging. (By the way the flow of your writing is almost EXACTLY how brain talks, pretty neat b/c when I read it I feel like I'm saying it in my head, even the thoughts are different) The courage it takes to open up this way and lay it out there knowing there is the chance that someone could use it against you is commendable. I have become so scared to be taken advantage of or for my truth to be used as leverage, ONE MORE TIME, as it has been SO MANY TIMES in my life, that I've become very hardened. I just can't say enough about your transparency. I want the courage to be this way. Thank you
ReplyDeletethank you so much Demetria!!!! I am sorry that your transparency has been used against you in the past. You are such a beautiful and inspiring person! Please know that you are still one of the most honest, authentic and uplifting woman I know. Much love to you!!!
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