Taking Steps

What's the next step?!?!?!?!

I am always trying to figure out what the next step is that God wants me to take.  It comes from a good place in my heart that seeks to please God and do His will in my life.  Buuuut, it can also turn into an all consuming obsession that paralyzes me with indecision.  Do I go this way or that way?  Is this my "calling" or is that my "calling"?  Are you leading me here or there?  I think You are calling me in this direction but what if I'm wrong and mess up Your plan for my life???  You see what I mean?  Then I end up so confused that I do... nothing!

When we walk we take steps.

My son randomly said these words to me while I tucked him into bed one evening.  He had no idea that I was currently begging God for the next steps for our family.

In that moment I was thinking "What are you talking about child?  I'm telling you "goodnight" and your response is to tell me the obvious process of taking steps as we walk?  Are you trying to confuse me so you can stay up later?  It's working..."

As I nodded my head and said (in that familiar whatever parenting tone) "ah ha... yeah... ok... goodnight"

I was ready to completely dismiss this statement as the random babbling of a six year old when God brought it all into focus.

"You've been begging me for the next step and I just gave you the answer!"

WHEN we WAAAALK we take STEPS!

Right then it all became very clear to me.  God doesn't need me to figure everything out.  He doesn't need me to know the next step.  He doesn't need me to fear messing up His plan (if you look at the bible it is clear that people make huuuuge mistakes but they do not ever mess up His plan because He is God and we are not)  He just wants my love and friendship.  He just wants me to walk with Him trusting that He will direct my steps as I walk.  It's almost like I've heard this before somewhere:

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:5-6 [the message]

I do not have to figure everything out?!?!  How freeing is that??  I have the freedom to just love Jesus and cling to Him?  To walk with Him and talk with Him without the pressure of having to figure out every step He wants me to take before I take it?  AMAZING

Are you struggling to figure out what God's next step is for you?  Seek to walk with Him and trust that He will guide your steps!

A Place to Belong

I have forever been envious of the girls who have a group.  You know the girls who have been friends since high school or college or whatever.  They seem like they're own little family.  They go on vacation together.  They go out to dinner together.  They all get pregnant around the same time and then their kids grow up together.

They have a place to belong.

I have never really had that.  I have friends... really great friends!  But, I have never felt that sense of family with a group of women (who are also all friends... picture sex in the city).  I have always had more individualized friendships with people who don't know each other. (make sense?)

I believe we all have this need to feel that we are known and we are loved.  That we belong.  I have had people who have "known" me (like all the ugly stuff) but not necessarily "loved" me and I have had people in my life who have "loved" me but I don't feel that they truly "know" me or care to.  And it's always left me feeling unworthy, displaced and unsure.

When I first started reading the Bible I was constantly moved to tears by the way God loves.  It was like he showed me over and over again these wretched people.  He would call them to follow Him and they would turn their back on Him.  They would murder and steal and cheat and royally screw up the love that God had given them.  I would wait, expecting God to do what we humans do to each other:  surely God is going to turn away from them now... surely He is going to take back His love now that He knows how unfaithful and messed up they are.... but... every.single.time I was shocked and amazed to see that He kept loving them.  That He knew them... every shameful detail... and He loved them with an everlasting love.

For the first time in my life I felt "I belong".

I thought that feeling would last forever and to some degree it does.  Deep down I have that to cling to. That no matter what I am known and I am loved by the creator of everything!  I wish I could say that because of my knowing this I no longer struggle with trying to find my place in this world.  Unfortunately that's not true.  I still envy those women who have that circle of women in their life that know them and love them completely.

I often struggle with numbing my pain with sugar and alcohol.  I realized this on a deeper level last night because I am unable to drink or eat sugar right now.  I am having major dental issues (ok I lie they are minor at best but hey it's my mouth and to me any dental issue is MAJOR).  After the kids went to bed I got this yucky, uneasy, uncomfortable in my own skin, anxious feeling.  I got on facebook, tried to watch t.v. and neither made me feel better.  I had an "aha" moment when I realized this is normally the time of night when I begin to nurse a glass of wine or eat a bowl of ice cream (which takes me at least 30 minutes because clearly I got problems mmm hmmm).

I started talking to Brandon and telling him how I just feel off.  I had been reading "Bread & Wine" (amazing book!!!) buuuut the author often writes about her "people".  The women in her life.  And it triggered my deep seeded insecurity about friendship.  As I laid it all out for my, wonderful and patient husband, I unexpectedly hit the nail on the head and started crying.  I am lonely.  I want community.  I want to belong.  I want to find my place.

My husband, in his calming wise way that he has, told me exactly what I needed to hear:  "As you focus on God and seek Him instead of this other stuff that doesn't matter you will feel peace... keep reading the Bible and turning to Him and know that you belong to Him."

Did I marry well or what??? I mean really! He's top notch!

He is so right!  Talking it out with him I also realized I am being like Eve.  Eve had been given everything she ever needed by God but she allowed herself to be tempted to doubt God's goodness and covet the one thing she did not have.  I guess the apple didn't fall far from the proverbial tree.  Hahahaha but really.  In order to feel so pitiful and lonely I have to turn away from all that God has given me and desire the one thing I don't have.  I am part of this amazing family with a man I fall more in love with daily!  I have friends that know my inner most flaws and my gifts and love me and pray for me and encourage me daily (even if they aren't friends with each other... who cares??? seriously! SER.IOUS.LY!)  I have parents and siblings and children and my church and a home and and and ... you get the idea.  How ungrateful to think that God is holding out on me.  But, the best part is that even in moments of complete ungratefulness and self pity GOD STILL LOVES ME!

God loves me and that IS enough!  He is my place to belong!

What am I doing?

Why we do what we do is just as important as what we do.

This statement has been on my mind for some time now.  Some times we can do some really great things with some really crappy motives.  That sucks!  I believe in digging deeper and analyzing why we do what we do.

Why am I serving my church? Why am I feeding the homeless?  Why am I praying for people?  Why do I call myself a Christian?  Why do I go to church?  I could go on all day long but I digress.

Brandon and I were on vacation in Hawaii this month.  While we were there I had this sense that God was going to do something BIG!  For me, of course. (because I'm often selfish like that)  Maybe speak to me and tell me His purpose for my life.  And God did speak.  Not in the way that I wanted or expected but DEFINITELY in the way that my soul desperately needed!

The second day in Maui we drove down to Lahaina in search of a bathing suit cover for me.  (I had conveniently left mine in the dryer back home)  I refused to pay $40 for something I could find on clearance at target for $10 so needless to say we did not find me a swimsuit cover.  We decided to walk around aimlessly.

We took some pictures of the ocean and as we were walking we saw this beautiful church!  I am a sucker for a beautiful cathedral.  Something about the oldness and past that they represent is mesmerizing to me.  I saw people were filing in quickly so I assumed service must be about to start.  I asked Brandon to stop and we read the sign in front.  Sure enough, service started at 9:30am and it was currently 9:25am.  I told Brandon "Let's go! We should totally go to church! How awesome that we happen to be right in front of this beautiful church RIGHT when service is starting! So God!" (ok that might not be exactly what I said but you get the idea... I was STOKED)  We crossed to their side of the street and I was taken aback by the look of pure disgust the greeter was looking at me and my husband with.  His eyes said "YOU are not welcome here."  Being the people pleaser that I am I put on my best "no worries... we're one of you... we love Jesus" smiles hoping he would telepathically read my thoughts and greet us.  This did NOT happen.  He stared back coldly.

We left and I felt rather... defeated.  I remember saying how sad that was.  How sad that we could of been atheists who were for the first time interested in what this Jesus guy was all about but that guy couldn't get past our shorts and tank tops and tattoos to share the gospel with us and welcome us in to truth.  I also felt angry because those types of Christians are what kept me out of the church for so long.

I'm rambling now.  Back to the point.  Or maybe I don't have one ha!

We continued walking back the other direction away from the church.  I was bumming hard because I was looking forward to worshipping God.  All of sudden I see this man making things out of palm leaves across the street from where we stood.  I whispered to Brandon "I want to take that mans picture but I don't want to creep him out".  No sooner did I finish that statement when he yells across the street to us "Hey!!! You wanna see something cool?  Come over here and check this out"

We crossed the street and he showed us an enormous black manta ray that had come all the way up to the edge of the shore.  He said they never did that and he was curious why she was up here and was concerned that maybe she was injured.  Seeing a ray that close in the wild was something I will never forget.  Then he started feeding the fish (with bread ... you know ... the same way we feed ducks)  All of these exotic fish started coming in to eat the bread.  It was pretty cool.  Brandon and the man started to have a discussion about the local surf spots and how pollution is effecting the water and life there.  While they were talking I kept feeling this feeling that I needed to say something significant to this man.  That we needed to share the truth about Jesus with him.

Back track with me for a moment:  When I first became a Christian (roughly 4 years ago)  I felt a strong desire to feed the homeless.  I also feel a strong desire to share the gospel.  So naturally in my human effort I combined the two.

Back to the man in Maui: While I was feeling the need to "save" this man and tell him about Jesus he begins to preach to us!!!! He started reciting Romans 8 (which is a post for another day but Romans 7 & 8 have changed my husband and mines lives over the last couple months)  He was so wise and passionate!  I was enthralled.  I could have sat there and listened to him for hours.  Which is pretty much what happened.  He went on to tell us how he is memorizing Hebrews and what God is showing him through his studies.  I can tell you what:  I am sure in my heart that I received more teaching from that homeless man than I ever would have from Judgy Mc Judgerson across the street.  (wait is that judgmental of me?)

The point of this story or my "take away" is that my feeling called to feed the homeless is good and biblical but I'm realizing it's not always an evangelist moment.  I thought the "why" behind feeding the homeless was so that I could lead them to Christ.  God is showing me, by the many homeless people that have spoken with more knowledge about Jesus than I can on my best day, that it is wrong of me to assume the poor are lost.  And maybe I have a lot to learn from them and not the other way around.

Don't Miss the Point

God showed me something about how easily I become distracted by the unimportant and miss the point.

This morning I got on youtube to worship in the comfort of my bedroom.  I looked up "Hosanna" by Hillsong and while waiting for the annoying ad to pass I started reading the comments underneath the video.  Ohhh the dra-ma!  People were tearing each other apart.  Christians against atheists.  Christians against other Christians.  It was a mess and I found myself hooked.  I was picking sides and getting defensive of people and angry at others.

Then the song ended.

I felt a slight moment of guilt and then hit replay and the song started again but by then the baby was crying and I had to turn it off.

Once the kids were tucked into bed tonight I started "researching" opinions on doctrine and getting angry and frustrated because of what others believe and whether or not I agree with said people.  Then I replayed this mornings failed attempt at worship back in my mind.  It is a perfect metaphor for what I do repeatedly in life.  I get caught up in my own opinions of the bible vs. the opinions and beliefs of others and miss out on opportunities to worship God and commune with Him.  Not that it's unimportant to know what one believes about Jesus but it is far more important to spend time with Him!  Why spend time arguing about Him or watching others argue (since I'm severely anti-confrontational) when I can spend time WITH him!!!

My point being: I want to spend more time walking with Jesus than I do arguing with others about Him.