Be content with what you have. What you have is enough.
I want more friends.
My heart is like a vacuum that indiscriminately sucks up people. My heart is never full enough so I compulsively seek friends that might love me enough to stop the pain. I have felt lonely and rejected since I was five years old. That five year old little girl is narcissistic to the core. Her needs are insatiable. She doesn't know how to be a friend, but she knows how to make new ones. That's what I do. I try to make enough friends to turn the vacuum in my heart off. To convince myself I am worthy, likable, lovable, and good. My heart is a bottomless hole and I have no love to give. Therefore, I make friends but then expect them to fix me. I have so many needs and expectations that I can't even begin to meet their needs or be a friend. On top of all of this I am extremely introverted and enjoy my time alone. But, I reject that part of myself and tell myself that having a large group of girlfriends and a full social calendar equals love and acceptance. Instead of honoring myself and treasuring the few close friends that I have I continue to try to gain the approval of women in order to fill my broken heart.
You can't do better until you know better.
I know better. I am learning all about the needs of that little girl that lives in my heart. It's time I help her grow up. I am purposefully pouring into the few friends that I have and not acting on the compulsive need to make new ones.
Be content with what you have. What you have is enough.
I want more things.
Pinterest is a dangerous thing for me. I have had a pinterest in my mind since I was little. I keep a mental inventory of all the things that I want but do not have. From the cool shoes that every girl but me had to the perfect rustic dining room table. Pinterest gives me a greater sense of need. I can salivate over pictures of things for hours. It feels good in the moment. I can fantasize over my dream kitchen or hair color or outfit and now, instead of doing this in my imagination, I have real life visual images of these things I desire. It's like a drug. My mood is lifted in the moment but then comes the hangover. In the wake of my pinterest high nothing I actually have in my real life seems good enough. It's all wrong. My clothes. My decor. My life.
Lately, I have been convicted of this need for things. It's unhealthy and at the very heart of this need is an ungrateful little brat.
Somewhere in this world at this very moment is a woman covering her baby in a piece of newspaper to keep her warm and praying that they'll just wake up in the morning. There are people suffering needs every single day. Real, live, flesh and blood, made in His image, people. That doesn't mean my needs don't matter just because someone else's needs are more but it does give me some perspective. It helps me differentiate between my genuine needs and my wants.
Pinterest isn't the problem. My empty heart is the problem and no amount of things will ever be enough to fill it. I have been given so much and I don't appreciate it.
I am working on being thankful. I am trying to grow up.
Be content with what you have. What you have is enough.
If I keep chasing after the ever elusive "more" I'm afraid I'll lose what I have, wake up older and realize what I had was more than I ever dreamed.
I will be content with what I have. What I have is enough.
.......................................
Don't miss what you have searching for what you have not.
12:54 PM
5:08 PM
Sh*t anti-feminists say.
I had a statement made to me awhile back that I can't seem to shake.
A statement that didn't sit right.
A statement that made me sad.
A statement that I can't believe is being made in the year 2013.
What was this unnerving statement, you ask?
"Our sons are like arrows. We must figure out where our sons want to go in life and then shoot them in that direction. But, our daughters need a different type of education. They will be wives and mothers so our main focus needs to be preparing them for those roles."
Really? REALLLLY?
I totally agree with helping our sons figure out their strengths and then encouraging them in that direction. But, call me crazy, I want those same things for my daughter. I don't ever want her to think that her only "right" future is one of laundry, diapers and Betty Crocker recipes just because she was born with a vagina.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom when she grows up. That's my life and I love it (most of the time). But, what I don't want is for her to think that is the ONLY option available to her. That somehow being an astronaut, mechanic, teacher, or engineer are impossible or inappropriate choices for her. That because she is a woman she is not capable or worthy of dreams for herself outside of marriage and babies.
I used to say that I was an "anti-feminist" but that was before I knew what feminism really was. The extremist "men drool and women rule" type of feminist is not a true feminist. That crazy ass woman is an elitist biznatch. I hated feminism because I thought it meant believing women are superior to men and I do NOT believe that. I have never believed either sex is superior to the other.
True feminism is believing that women and men were created equal and as such are due equal rights. I now wholeheartedly consider myself a feminist.
I want my daughter to know she can follow her dreams, no matter what they might be. I want her to know that being a woman does not make her less than. I want her to know that whether she wants to get married or not, be a mother or not, work or not, she is still a woman worthy of respect and love.
I want all of my children to know that they were created by a loving Creator. That they were fearfully and wonderfully made. That they are more than their gender, sexual orientation or career choice.
I do not ever want to limit them.
Our children are capable of greatness and that includes our daughters.
Let's help our girls dream big.
................................................................
I am in complete shock that this type of sexism still exists and that women themselves are perpetrating it.
Have you ever experienced anything like this?
A statement that didn't sit right.
A statement that made me sad.
A statement that I can't believe is being made in the year 2013.
What was this unnerving statement, you ask?
"Our sons are like arrows. We must figure out where our sons want to go in life and then shoot them in that direction. But, our daughters need a different type of education. They will be wives and mothers so our main focus needs to be preparing them for those roles."
Really? REALLLLY?
I totally agree with helping our sons figure out their strengths and then encouraging them in that direction. But, call me crazy, I want those same things for my daughter. I don't ever want her to think that her only "right" future is one of laundry, diapers and Betty Crocker recipes just because she was born with a vagina.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom when she grows up. That's my life and I love it (most of the time). But, what I don't want is for her to think that is the ONLY option available to her. That somehow being an astronaut, mechanic, teacher, or engineer are impossible or inappropriate choices for her. That because she is a woman she is not capable or worthy of dreams for herself outside of marriage and babies.
I used to say that I was an "anti-feminist" but that was before I knew what feminism really was. The extremist "men drool and women rule" type of feminist is not a true feminist. That crazy ass woman is an elitist biznatch. I hated feminism because I thought it meant believing women are superior to men and I do NOT believe that. I have never believed either sex is superior to the other.
True feminism is believing that women and men were created equal and as such are due equal rights. I now wholeheartedly consider myself a feminist.
I want my daughter to know she can follow her dreams, no matter what they might be. I want her to know that being a woman does not make her less than. I want her to know that whether she wants to get married or not, be a mother or not, work or not, she is still a woman worthy of respect and love.
I want all of my children to know that they were created by a loving Creator. That they were fearfully and wonderfully made. That they are more than their gender, sexual orientation or career choice.
I do not ever want to limit them.
Our children are capable of greatness and that includes our daughters.
Let's help our girls dream big.
................................................................
I am in complete shock that this type of sexism still exists and that women themselves are perpetrating it.
Have you ever experienced anything like this?
9:30 AM
Should I stay or should I go now?
Social media.
Obviously, I am not against it. I post status updates at a minimum of once a day. I post pictures on instagram. I check for updates on the regular and I love to blog (clearly).
But, there are days that I want to delete my facebook, instagram and even my blog.
And here's why:
1. I'm a sensitive soul.
There are so many times that scrolling my newsfeed and scanning my instagram reel make me feel about this big. Pictures of girls nights and parties that I wasn't invited to can trigger my shame and feelings of unworthiness. It's like a knife to the heart and a mean girl on megaphone shouting "YOU SUCK AND NOBODY LIIIKES YOU! oh and p.s. you uuuugly!". Clearly I have self esteem issues and I'm aware that these issues are my own and not anyones fault. After all, I do the same thing without worrying about how the friends who weren't invited will feel. (maybe I should stop that) Then there's also my inability to go without noticing how many "likes" and followers others have compared to how many I have. It's petty and stupid but I do it. When my friend posts a picture and gets 64 "likes" in less than 5 minutes and that picture I posted 2 hours ago doesn't even have "likes" in the double digits, I feel "less than". I might have some pride issues to work on.
2. The amount of bullshit people post that makes me want to go ape shit on them but instead I turn into a jerk who posts passive aggressive status updates in hopes that said "bullshit poster" will read my updates and feel sorry for being an ass face.
Not sure that needs much clarification but basically I get real angry at people who use their status updates to shame other people and when that happens I turn into a person I don't want to be.
3. Attempting to keep up connection with 668 (yes... I know my exact "friend" number) people makes it hard to keep up connection with the 4 people living in my home.
I had a realization this morning. When I'm on my death bed it won't matter how many baby showers I was invited to, how many "likes" my status updates received or how many facebook friends or instragram followers I had if I am disconnected from my husband and children. If my kids grow up feeling lonely and neglected because I cared more about inspiring and lifting up others than I did about connecting with them then I will have wasted my life. I am learning so much wisdom on this journey and I desperately want to share that information with all of you. But, I'm embarrassed to admit how little I share with my children. Instead of writing witty status updates and blog posts maybe I should spend more time sharing what I'm learning with the children I've been entrusted to guide through this life. Ya, maybe that would be life better spent. I'm so afraid of losing connectedness with all of you but what about my connectedness to my kids and husband? They need to come first.
With all of the legitimate ways social media is hurting mine and my families lives you may be wondering why I wait even one more day to unplug from all of it.
Even with all the bad there is still so much good that comes from social media. This woman pulled me through the deepest depression I had ever experienced. Her words inspired me to start showing up in my own life again and told me that I wasn't alone. Once you have been rescued there is a natural desire to rescue others. I feel like I have been called to share what has been shared with me. I want to help others out of the pit.
Social media has given me a source of influence. It has given me a place to share with others the way to healing that I have found. I have had so many conversations that never would have happened without social media. There is so much good that can come from something as small as a blog post or a status update.
This morning I'm realizing that it's me that's the problem. It's not social media's fault that I am sad, lonely, addicted, compulsive, angry or afraid. Social media just brings to the surface the things that were already there.
So I am deciding to keep my facebook, instagram and blog and work on getting rid of those things that it brings to the surface.
When I feel left out and lonely I will reach out.
When I feel angry I will work on compassion and finding common ground.
I will set boundaries for my usage so that I don't neglect my family in the process.
Most of all I will work on determining how I can make social media work for me and not against me.
..........................................................
Do you ever feel like deleting it all and becoming a recluse? No? Just me?
Obviously, I am not against it. I post status updates at a minimum of once a day. I post pictures on instagram. I check for updates on the regular and I love to blog (clearly).
But, there are days that I want to delete my facebook, instagram and even my blog.
And here's why:
1. I'm a sensitive soul.
There are so many times that scrolling my newsfeed and scanning my instagram reel make me feel about this big. Pictures of girls nights and parties that I wasn't invited to can trigger my shame and feelings of unworthiness. It's like a knife to the heart and a mean girl on megaphone shouting "YOU SUCK AND NOBODY LIIIKES YOU! oh and p.s. you uuuugly!". Clearly I have self esteem issues and I'm aware that these issues are my own and not anyones fault. After all, I do the same thing without worrying about how the friends who weren't invited will feel. (maybe I should stop that) Then there's also my inability to go without noticing how many "likes" and followers others have compared to how many I have. It's petty and stupid but I do it. When my friend posts a picture and gets 64 "likes" in less than 5 minutes and that picture I posted 2 hours ago doesn't even have "likes" in the double digits, I feel "less than". I might have some pride issues to work on.
2. The amount of bullshit people post that makes me want to go ape shit on them but instead I turn into a jerk who posts passive aggressive status updates in hopes that said "bullshit poster" will read my updates and feel sorry for being an ass face.
Not sure that needs much clarification but basically I get real angry at people who use their status updates to shame other people and when that happens I turn into a person I don't want to be.
3. Attempting to keep up connection with 668 (yes... I know my exact "friend" number) people makes it hard to keep up connection with the 4 people living in my home.
I had a realization this morning. When I'm on my death bed it won't matter how many baby showers I was invited to, how many "likes" my status updates received or how many facebook friends or instragram followers I had if I am disconnected from my husband and children. If my kids grow up feeling lonely and neglected because I cared more about inspiring and lifting up others than I did about connecting with them then I will have wasted my life. I am learning so much wisdom on this journey and I desperately want to share that information with all of you. But, I'm embarrassed to admit how little I share with my children. Instead of writing witty status updates and blog posts maybe I should spend more time sharing what I'm learning with the children I've been entrusted to guide through this life. Ya, maybe that would be life better spent. I'm so afraid of losing connectedness with all of you but what about my connectedness to my kids and husband? They need to come first.
With all of the legitimate ways social media is hurting mine and my families lives you may be wondering why I wait even one more day to unplug from all of it.
Even with all the bad there is still so much good that comes from social media. This woman pulled me through the deepest depression I had ever experienced. Her words inspired me to start showing up in my own life again and told me that I wasn't alone. Once you have been rescued there is a natural desire to rescue others. I feel like I have been called to share what has been shared with me. I want to help others out of the pit.
Social media has given me a source of influence. It has given me a place to share with others the way to healing that I have found. I have had so many conversations that never would have happened without social media. There is so much good that can come from something as small as a blog post or a status update.
This morning I'm realizing that it's me that's the problem. It's not social media's fault that I am sad, lonely, addicted, compulsive, angry or afraid. Social media just brings to the surface the things that were already there.
So I am deciding to keep my facebook, instagram and blog and work on getting rid of those things that it brings to the surface.
When I feel left out and lonely I will reach out.
When I feel angry I will work on compassion and finding common ground.
I will set boundaries for my usage so that I don't neglect my family in the process.
Most of all I will work on determining how I can make social media work for me and not against me.
..........................................................
Do you ever feel like deleting it all and becoming a recluse? No? Just me?
10:39 AM
Practice makes perfect? no. just. no.
Practice makes perfect.
I absolutely hate this expression... and here's why.
1. It implies that perfection exists.
As I stated in my last post I do not believe perfection is a real thing. The sooner you realize that there's no such thing as perfection the sooner you can relax and just be... imperfections and all.
2. It creates an unattainable goal for children.
Unfortunately, this phrase is often geared at kids.
Little Johnny keeps striking out at his baseball game and his well intentioned Dad tells him, "Keep practicing son, 'practice makes perfect'".
Little Suzy has trouble mastering "Mary had a Little Lamb" on the piano and her Mother tries to encourage her, "Practice makes perfect!".
This sends the child the message that perfection could be reached if only they would try harder.
3. It's a lie.
No amount of practice will ever make you perfect.
............................
As much as I loath the idea of perfection as a goal I do love the sentiment behind this statement.
Practice. Don't give up. Keep on keeping on.
Those are all things I believe in.
Let's just change the last little word.
Practice makesperfect progress.
Yes, I like that.
Practice makes PROGRESS.
Progress is real and it's enough.
Not giving up and trying again, even when it's hard, will surely get you progress and that's the very most we can ask for.
I absolutely hate this expression... and here's why.
1. It implies that perfection exists.
As I stated in my last post I do not believe perfection is a real thing. The sooner you realize that there's no such thing as perfection the sooner you can relax and just be... imperfections and all.
2. It creates an unattainable goal for children.
Unfortunately, this phrase is often geared at kids.
Little Johnny keeps striking out at his baseball game and his well intentioned Dad tells him, "Keep practicing son, 'practice makes perfect'".
Little Suzy has trouble mastering "Mary had a Little Lamb" on the piano and her Mother tries to encourage her, "Practice makes perfect!".
This sends the child the message that perfection could be reached if only they would try harder.
3. It's a lie.
No amount of practice will ever make you perfect.
............................
As much as I loath the idea of perfection as a goal I do love the sentiment behind this statement.
Practice. Don't give up. Keep on keeping on.
Those are all things I believe in.
Let's just change the last little word.
Practice makes
Yes, I like that.
Practice makes PROGRESS.
Progress is real and it's enough.
Not giving up and trying again, even when it's hard, will surely get you progress and that's the very most we can ask for.
9:26 AM
Good Reads
Reading is my favorite.
Here are a couple of my all time favorites and recent reads that I highly recommend.
Enjoy!
Though Waters Roar
This is a fiction novel I read a few months back. This gripping tale about faith and a woman's ever changing "place" in this world was one I could not put down. From prohibition to feminism this book opened my eyes to many perspectives I had never considered. I realized how far women have come and how far we still have to go. This book helped me see that laws won't change us, only WE can change us.
The Way the Crow Flies
This is one of my all time favorite books!!! I have read this book over and over and over again and every single time I laugh, cry and get angry as if it's the first time I've read it. It's a story of abuse and how that manifests itself in the victims adult life. Love love love this book!!!
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"
I'm currently falling more in love with Brene' Brown every day. To say that I have a lady crush on her is putting it mildly. I am in the process of reading this book. It's one of those books that you can only read like a chapter a month of because it brings so much emotional baggage to the forefront of your mind that you might have a complete mental breakdown if you read it all at once. With that being said, it's totally worth every emotional outburst. Growth involves pain... right?
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
This is another all time favorite. I read this book again whenever I see those traits of codependency creeping their ugly little heads back into my life. If you have trouble not obsessing over other people than this is definitely the book for you!
Here are a couple of my all time favorites and recent reads that I highly recommend.
Enjoy!
Though Waters Roar
This is a fiction novel I read a few months back. This gripping tale about faith and a woman's ever changing "place" in this world was one I could not put down. From prohibition to feminism this book opened my eyes to many perspectives I had never considered. I realized how far women have come and how far we still have to go. This book helped me see that laws won't change us, only WE can change us.
The Way the Crow Flies
This is one of my all time favorite books!!! I have read this book over and over and over again and every single time I laugh, cry and get angry as if it's the first time I've read it. It's a story of abuse and how that manifests itself in the victims adult life. Love love love this book!!!
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"
I'm currently falling more in love with Brene' Brown every day. To say that I have a lady crush on her is putting it mildly. I am in the process of reading this book. It's one of those books that you can only read like a chapter a month of because it brings so much emotional baggage to the forefront of your mind that you might have a complete mental breakdown if you read it all at once. With that being said, it's totally worth every emotional outburst. Growth involves pain... right?
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
This is another all time favorite. I read this book again whenever I see those traits of codependency creeping their ugly little heads back into my life. If you have trouble not obsessing over other people than this is definitely the book for you!
9:31 AM
10 things I believe
1. Love is greater.
It's the name of my blog and my deepest belief. The longer I live the deeper I believe it. There is nothing stronger or more powerful than love. It is the greatest gift we can give others and the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
2. Don't assume, but if you must, at least assume the best.
God laid this on my heart in a Smith's parking lot a few years back. I have come a long way from the days of obsessing over everyones intentions and motives towards me but I still have quite a way to go. I suppose some of that comes with age. The older I get the less I give a hairy rats ass what other people think of me. It's just easier to assume the best. Trust me.
3. You'll never find your own voice singing someone else's song.
This is also a thought that God spoke straight to my heart. The meaning for me is two fold. On one hand I have always had a passion for singing and song writing but no self confidence to carry out that dream. I started singing in front of few people in the last year and it feels good. I think God was trying to tell me that in order to find my own voice musically I need to focus on writing my own music instead of mimicking other artists. Finding my own style, so to speak. The second meaning is for life in general. I will never find out who I am if I'm busy trying to be like everybody else. I am unique. Everyone is. (Which I used to think meant no one is but whatev... we're all unique.) The more I embrace what makes me me the less shame and guilt I feel for not being someone else. I am a beautiful mess loved by a perfect God for exactly the quirky, nerdy, disaster that I am. I think that's finally enough for me.
4. Drugs are bad mmmmkay... unless they're prescribed by a Doctor.
One word: Zoloft.
5. If you listen, people will tell you who they are.
I have wasted too many years on friendships with people I don't like thinking that they aren't really the type of person their actions represent. When people show you their character and who they are as a person: 1. believe them. 2. realize you can't change them. and 3. accept them as is and decide whether they are someone who fits in your life or not. (and be ok with yourself if they aren't)
6. Cleanliness is nowhere near godliness.
A spotless home and well put together outfits don't make you better than anyone. ever. period. got it?
7. Perfection has a price.
There is no such thing as perfect. I didn't know that for a long time. I tried really hard to be that and believe me it came at a high price. I was lonely, angry, resentful and unhappy. My house was clean, my dinner was made from scratch when I invited you to dinner and my kids never talked back but I was ugly inside. Let perfection go. You can't ever reach it anyways and trying to steals your joy. It's not worth it.
8. Peace is only found in the present.
"If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious, you're living in the future. If you're at peace, you're living in the present." -Lao Tzu
9. Stay in your own lane.
Too often we can spend so much time projecting our issues onto those around us and worrying about what everyone else should and should not be doing. I have been very guilty of this over the years. It's much easier to fix someone else, judge someone else and correct someone else than it is to do something about my own issues. If I would put into action even 10% of the unsolicited advice I give others my life would probably look drastically different. Let's stay in or own lane shall we and worry about our own issues before we go "saving" other people.
10. Trust your gut.
If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't. I have ignored my gut to my own demise many times. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse I learned to doubt my own feelings and ability to judge good from bad. My therapist tells me that she notices it's not that I don't have the ability to judge a situation accurately it's that I lack the confidence to trust myself and act on those gut instincts. I'm working on it.
It's the name of my blog and my deepest belief. The longer I live the deeper I believe it. There is nothing stronger or more powerful than love. It is the greatest gift we can give others and the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
2. Don't assume, but if you must, at least assume the best.
God laid this on my heart in a Smith's parking lot a few years back. I have come a long way from the days of obsessing over everyones intentions and motives towards me but I still have quite a way to go. I suppose some of that comes with age. The older I get the less I give a hairy rats ass what other people think of me. It's just easier to assume the best. Trust me.
3. You'll never find your own voice singing someone else's song.
This is also a thought that God spoke straight to my heart. The meaning for me is two fold. On one hand I have always had a passion for singing and song writing but no self confidence to carry out that dream. I started singing in front of few people in the last year and it feels good. I think God was trying to tell me that in order to find my own voice musically I need to focus on writing my own music instead of mimicking other artists. Finding my own style, so to speak. The second meaning is for life in general. I will never find out who I am if I'm busy trying to be like everybody else. I am unique. Everyone is. (Which I used to think meant no one is but whatev... we're all unique.) The more I embrace what makes me me the less shame and guilt I feel for not being someone else. I am a beautiful mess loved by a perfect God for exactly the quirky, nerdy, disaster that I am. I think that's finally enough for me.
4. Drugs are bad mmmmkay... unless they're prescribed by a Doctor.
One word: Zoloft.
5. If you listen, people will tell you who they are.
I have wasted too many years on friendships with people I don't like thinking that they aren't really the type of person their actions represent. When people show you their character and who they are as a person: 1. believe them. 2. realize you can't change them. and 3. accept them as is and decide whether they are someone who fits in your life or not. (and be ok with yourself if they aren't)
6. Cleanliness is nowhere near godliness.
A spotless home and well put together outfits don't make you better than anyone. ever. period. got it?
7. Perfection has a price.
There is no such thing as perfect. I didn't know that for a long time. I tried really hard to be that and believe me it came at a high price. I was lonely, angry, resentful and unhappy. My house was clean, my dinner was made from scratch when I invited you to dinner and my kids never talked back but I was ugly inside. Let perfection go. You can't ever reach it anyways and trying to steals your joy. It's not worth it.
8. Peace is only found in the present.
"If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious, you're living in the future. If you're at peace, you're living in the present." -Lao Tzu
9. Stay in your own lane.
Too often we can spend so much time projecting our issues onto those around us and worrying about what everyone else should and should not be doing. I have been very guilty of this over the years. It's much easier to fix someone else, judge someone else and correct someone else than it is to do something about my own issues. If I would put into action even 10% of the unsolicited advice I give others my life would probably look drastically different. Let's stay in or own lane shall we and worry about our own issues before we go "saving" other people.
10. Trust your gut.
If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't. I have ignored my gut to my own demise many times. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse I learned to doubt my own feelings and ability to judge good from bad. My therapist tells me that she notices it's not that I don't have the ability to judge a situation accurately it's that I lack the confidence to trust myself and act on those gut instincts. I'm working on it.
8:36 PM
Licks equal love.
I completely expected myself to be single with no kids and 8+ cats at this point in my life.
Buuut, here I am married with 3 kids and a DOG.
I never had a problem with dogs, per say. I just never wanted one of my own. I always thought I would be a horrible dog owner. I don't enjoy being jumped on or licked to death. I need my alone time and dogs like to follow you like a shadow. I'm a horrible disciplinarian and didn't want some Dog Whisperer worthy "out of control" pet.
I always knew that someday the kids would start asking for a dog.... and they did. It started a couple of years ago. Luckily for me, kids have the attention span of a spider monkey so I got out of it by sheer forgetfulness on their part... for awhile. Once Brandon started wanting a dog too I knew I had little time left before I would have to cave in. I had to face the music and become a dog owner!
We found our puppy through a friend of mine in Fresno, Ca.
Waiting to pick him up I started to worry that I wouldn't be able to love him. I feared that having a dog would add to my battle with depression and anxiety. On one hand I was excited to meet this cute little pug whose picture I looked at daily. On the other hand I was terrified I would be a horrible "pack leader" and my life would change for the worse.
I have never been more wrong in my life.
The minute I met my sweet Crosby boy I knew he was meant to be mine. He was meant to be a part of this family. He just belonged with us!!!
First, let me say that we totally lucked out. We got a PERFECT dog! I mean it. He came to us about 7 months old, fully house trained and cuddly as can be. He was not leash trained but he is getting better everyday. He does have some anxiety but hey I'm the queen of anxiety so we get each other. And as weird as it sound I think we make each other better. Calmer. Happier.
Well, today I thought I might lose it all.
Today was Crosby's first vet appointment. Everything went great until later that day.
He had a nasty allergic reaction to his rabies vaccine.
It started mildly and escalated quickly.
I rushed him back to the animal hospital. On the drive he started hard core throwing up and acting strange. He would no longer respond to me all.
I started bawling and begging God to save my dog. I have never loved a dog in my life and was shocked at the amount of love and anguish I felt after only knowing this precious boy for two weeks.
The vet decided to keep him for observation until closing and gave him three shots to stop the reaction. Waiting to pick him back up I was a wreck. I paced the kitchen and cleaned things. I felt like my own child was hurting. I was so worried he wouldn't come home.
But... he did!!!!!
Even as I write this post he is laying beside me licking me so fiercely that I can hardly type and I don't mind because I know to Crosby licks equal love.
My doggy is home.
Tonight I am grateful!
1:05 PM
A line in the sand
Is being gay/lesbian/transgendered a sin?
Some Christians would argue that it is a sin and therefore we should avoid contact with them at all costs. Other Christians would argue that even though it is a sin we should "love the sinner; hate the sin". A smaller group of Christians would say that they don't believe it is a sin at all... gasp.
What do I think?
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Some Christians would argue that it is a sin and therefore we should avoid contact with them at all costs. Other Christians would argue that even though it is a sin we should "love the sinner; hate the sin". A smaller group of Christians would say that they don't believe it is a sin at all... gasp.
What do I think?
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
I think if we are still spending our time trying to determine what we believe about the sinfulness of someone else's life then we have missed the point of Christianity entirely.
As Christians we should be less concerned with labeling things as sin and more concerned with following Christ. Whether something is sin or not is not the point. The point is that sin or not the Christians response should be the same. And that response is love.
Let's put an end to the debate over how God feels about gays and lesbians. It is irrelevant to our calling. Jesus calls his followers to love God with their heart, mind and soul; and to love others as he has loved us. It's that simple.
Let's not forget, church, when the religious Pharisees dragged out a women caught in the act of adultery and threw her before Jesus and the crowd. They wanted to stone her to death for her sin and according to the law they were clearly within their rights to do so. So why did they bring her before Jesus if they didn't need His permission? I believe they wanted to discredit the ministry and authority of Jesus Christ. They wanted to prove that the law was what saved and not faith. They were attempting to create a "damned if you do; damned if you don't" situation. But, Jesus, being God in the flesh saw their hearts and was not tripped up for a moment. He calmly bent down next to the woman and drew a line in the sand. Without saying a word in response he stayed kneeled down next to the woman. When the Pharisees pressed him for an answer he stood and simply replied, "let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone." Once again he kneeled down next to the woman as, one by one, her accusers left. When none were left Jesus asks the woman if anyone condemned her. She looks around and sees that no one did. He then tells the woman that he does not condemn her either.
Jesus draws a line in the sand and stands on the side of the sinner.
I am not stating that being gay is a sin because I honestly do not know if it is or not. What I am trying to point out is that it really really really REALLY does not matter if it is or not.
I choose to believe that Jesus meant it when he said that love fulfills the law. I choose to believe that Jesus does not condemn us. I choose to believe that it is not my job to judge the world.
I am drawing my line in the sand and standing on the side of love.
Which side of the line will you stand on?
As Christians we should be less concerned with labeling things as sin and more concerned with following Christ. Whether something is sin or not is not the point. The point is that sin or not the Christians response should be the same. And that response is love.
Let's put an end to the debate over how God feels about gays and lesbians. It is irrelevant to our calling. Jesus calls his followers to love God with their heart, mind and soul; and to love others as he has loved us. It's that simple.
Let's not forget, church, when the religious Pharisees dragged out a women caught in the act of adultery and threw her before Jesus and the crowd. They wanted to stone her to death for her sin and according to the law they were clearly within their rights to do so. So why did they bring her before Jesus if they didn't need His permission? I believe they wanted to discredit the ministry and authority of Jesus Christ. They wanted to prove that the law was what saved and not faith. They were attempting to create a "damned if you do; damned if you don't" situation. But, Jesus, being God in the flesh saw their hearts and was not tripped up for a moment. He calmly bent down next to the woman and drew a line in the sand. Without saying a word in response he stayed kneeled down next to the woman. When the Pharisees pressed him for an answer he stood and simply replied, "let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone." Once again he kneeled down next to the woman as, one by one, her accusers left. When none were left Jesus asks the woman if anyone condemned her. She looks around and sees that no one did. He then tells the woman that he does not condemn her either.
Jesus draws a line in the sand and stands on the side of the sinner.
I am not stating that being gay is a sin because I honestly do not know if it is or not. What I am trying to point out is that it really really really REALLY does not matter if it is or not.
I choose to believe that Jesus meant it when he said that love fulfills the law. I choose to believe that Jesus does not condemn us. I choose to believe that it is not my job to judge the world.
I am drawing my line in the sand and standing on the side of love.
Which side of the line will you stand on?
6:31 PM
Sticky Rice
Whoever said "necessity is the mother of innovation" sure knew what they were talking about!
If you're a parent I am sure you have experienced the insurmountable mess caused by rice thrown or dropped all over your floor by kids or toddlers.
There are a few ways I would regularly tackle this situation:
1. Sweep it up. When the rice is fresh it's sticky. Attempting to sweep sticky rice is like trying to piss into the wind. You can do it if you want to but it's undesirable and messy.
2. Leave it. To avoid situation number "1" I have often left the rice on the floor until the next morning when it has dried out and can be easily swept up.
3. Paper towels/wash rag. You can get a wet towel of some sort and awkwardly try to scoop it up. I refuse to do this because it involves a lot of bending down and we all know I don't like to work very hard.
I generally choose option "2" but now that we have the dog I need to clean up whatever the kids drop or he will eat it. Yes, I'm that pet owner that won't let their dog eat scraps. Get over it.
Well folks I am happy to report that tonight I discovered a new way to pick up rice. (If you already discovered this then good for you but I'm still taking credit)
So here it is:
Pick up a larger clump of rice. Use that clump to pick up the rest of the rice. The rice sticks to itself much like playdough.
You're welcome.
Carry on.
If you're a parent I am sure you have experienced the insurmountable mess caused by rice thrown or dropped all over your floor by kids or toddlers.
There are a few ways I would regularly tackle this situation:
1. Sweep it up. When the rice is fresh it's sticky. Attempting to sweep sticky rice is like trying to piss into the wind. You can do it if you want to but it's undesirable and messy.
2. Leave it. To avoid situation number "1" I have often left the rice on the floor until the next morning when it has dried out and can be easily swept up.
3. Paper towels/wash rag. You can get a wet towel of some sort and awkwardly try to scoop it up. I refuse to do this because it involves a lot of bending down and we all know I don't like to work very hard.
I generally choose option "2" but now that we have the dog I need to clean up whatever the kids drop or he will eat it. Yes, I'm that pet owner that won't let their dog eat scraps. Get over it.
Well folks I am happy to report that tonight I discovered a new way to pick up rice. (If you already discovered this then good for you but I'm still taking credit)
So here it is:
Pick up a larger clump of rice. Use that clump to pick up the rest of the rice. The rice sticks to itself much like playdough.
You're welcome.
Carry on.
9:02 AM
I'm jumping off the cliff.
That's a word I thought I had all figured out.
My understanding of recovery was that once I completed my step study in Celebrate Recovery I would be fixed and able to go on with my life. I thought I could just show up, answer some questions and once it was over I would be good. Done. Finished. Recovered.
I now know that to be a lie.
Recovery isn't a one time thing. It isn't a cut and dry equation; problem and answer. It isn't even always upward in a straight line.
Recovery is movement.
Recovery is brave.
Recovering is one moment at a time.
By definition recovery is a process of combating a disorder. That definition alone implies that it's not easy. It's not meant to be. Recovery is falling down on the battlefield and being courageous enough to get back up and fight. It's knowing that even when it looks like you're failing you really aren't. God uses it all. The triumphs and the set backs. It's all a lesson if we choose to view it that way.
Before this realization I wondered why my life didn't just instantly get better after my, so called, recovery. I felt hopeless. I felt like recovery failed me. Like it worked for everyone else but not for me. Like I must be missing some piece of the puzzle that everyone else had but wasn't showing me.
There was a piece I was missing but it wasn't a secret everyone was keeping. It was right there all along but I refused to see it. The piece I couldn't see was that recovery is never over. It's not just before and after. I will never be fully recovered this side of heaven. But, I will not give up the fight to keep moving forward. Recovery is hard work and I am finally ready to do my work.
I went into a 12 step program with the expectation of controlling my compulsive addictions. I did stop some of my compulsive behavior while in the program but I never addressed the heartbreak and grief underneath these behaviors. This fact is nobodies fault but my own. I realize now I never truly moved past step 1. I went through the motions of "recovery" but I really just shifted from one addiction to another. In a sense I believe I became addicted to step 1.
Step 1.
We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors,
that our lives had become unmanageable.
“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have
the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)
I got step 1 mastered. I am a pro at admitting that my life in unmanageable. This was huge for me because before CR I kept all my shameful addictions and behaviors inside. I was full of dirty little secrets that almost no one in my life was aware of. I made sure everything looked good on the outside. I pretended to be happy. I'm a really good actress. So, finally admitting to a group of people that my life was a lie and that I was out of control was HUGE. But, I got stuck there. I hung out there. I confused pity with love. I gave up the addictions I came in with and replaced them with an addiction to sharing my story. When I shared my story people pitied me. They comforted me. They hugged me. I felt loved for who I really was and it felt goooood. Just like the addictions I was there to recover from this new drug made me feel in control. I could make other people love me by sharing crap with them. But, truth be told pity ain't love.
I skipped over steps 2 and 3 (which I now realize may be the most important of all the steps... go me!) and went straight to step 4. I'm really good at "phoning it in" so no one, myself included, realized I didn't REALLY do steps 2 and 3. But, I can now see that I didn't. I never gave up my story. I never moved from admitting my life was unmanageable to believing God could restore it and making the decision to turn my will over to Him.
I got stuck.
Step 2.
We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good
purpose.” (Philippians 2:13)
Step 3.
We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God.
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies
as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of
worship.” (Romans 12:1)
Getting stuck on step 1 has led to a break down in my life. Constantly living in a state of admitting your life is unmanageable without a solution leads to some serious guilt and depression.
I am now on medication and in therapy (and soon another step study) to deal with my crap. The real crap. Not the symptoms and behaviors but the real stuff underneath it all. The stuff I have avoided talking about and letting go of for most of my life.
I feel like I've been standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, paralyzed with fear that if I jump off I will die. That once I jump off the cliff there is no turning back. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of facing my shame. I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid of who I am if I'm no longer a victim. But, that's where steps 2 and 3 come in. I have to finally trust that God is bigger than the Grand Canyon. That standing at the edge isn't living. I have to be brave, I have to jump in and trust that He won't let me die. That because God has my back I have nothing to fear. That I can turn control over to Him.
As a wise person once put it I don't need to just let Jesus drive while I sit in the passenger seat. I need to lock myself in the trunk.
So, here it goes. I'm jumping off the cliff and there's no turning back.
I know it will be scary and I have no idea what will happen but I know I can't stand on the edge for one more excruciating second.
I have to do the work.
I have to believe.
I have to live.
I have to jump.
..............................................
You can find a Celebrate Recovery near you by visiting this website:
Celebrate Recovery
10:22 AM
What do you want?
"As Jesus and his disciples were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him. Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!"
The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!"
Jesus stopped and called them. "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked.
"Lord," they answered, "we want our sight."
Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him." Matthew20:29-34
I have come across this account of the blind men receiving sight from Jesus multiple times in multiple books of the Bible over the last month. When accidental repetition occurs in my life I know it's not a coincidence. I believe that God uses His word to get my attention but I could not for the life of me figure out what the significance of this story was.
This morning I came across the account in Matthew after reading chapter1 of Joshua. In Joshua I was challenged by the command to be "strong and very courageous". Then reading about these blind men, for the fifth time this month, I finally made the connection. These men calling out to Jesus showed great faith and strength and courage.
Their blindness was seen as a direct result of sin by those around them. Their blindness was their shame.
It took all the strength and courage they could muster to call out to Jesus. To draw attention to their blindness in front of everyone. To risk ridicule, rebuke and judgment for the small chance that they might see the goodness of God.
The crowd is described as trying to keep them from Jesus. The crowd strongly disapproved of them and told them to be quiet. The crowd saw them as sinners not worthy of the attention of such a Holy one as Christ Himself.
But, Jesus....
Oh, those two words. Those two words make all the difference.
But, Jesus...
But, Jesus saw what no one else saw. He saw the faith of these men. He saw the courage of these men. He saw their heartache and their shame and instead of rebuking them he stopped and he called back to them.
Jesus asked them a question that we must all ask ourselves.
Jesus asked "What do you want me to do for you?"
Loaded question.
What did they want from Jesus?
The blind men knew exactly what they wanted. It's why they had called Him. It's why they shouted above the crowd.
They answered, "Lord, we want our sight"
They wanted what belonged to them. They wanted their shame removed. They wanted their sins forgiven. They wanted to be whole. They wanted to see the glory of their God manifested in them.
What do I want from Jesus?
What do you want from Jesus?
It took me some time and prayer to realize what I want from him.
I battle depression and anxiety.
Only recently did I realize the amount of shame that is tied to both. It is a common belief that depression is a direct result of sin. The crowd has rebuked me. The crowd has told me to be quiet. The crowd has tried to keep me from Jesus.
But, Jesus...
He hears my shouts for help and he asks me what I want from him.
I want what the blind men wanted.
I want what is mine.
I want to see the glory of my God.
I want healing and I want to be whole.
I want joy.
I want my life.
I want my shame removed.
My depression and anxiety may very well be a result of sin but Jesus has compassion when the crowd has rejection.
Jesus touches the untouchables.
He touched the blind men and they immediately received sight.
Jesus has asked me what I want and I will be strong and courageous enough to ask for it. Even if it costs me everything.
What do you want from him?
Just ask.
The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!"
Jesus stopped and called them. "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked.
"Lord," they answered, "we want our sight."
Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him." Matthew20:29-34
I have come across this account of the blind men receiving sight from Jesus multiple times in multiple books of the Bible over the last month. When accidental repetition occurs in my life I know it's not a coincidence. I believe that God uses His word to get my attention but I could not for the life of me figure out what the significance of this story was.
This morning I came across the account in Matthew after reading chapter1 of Joshua. In Joshua I was challenged by the command to be "strong and very courageous". Then reading about these blind men, for the fifth time this month, I finally made the connection. These men calling out to Jesus showed great faith and strength and courage.
Their blindness was seen as a direct result of sin by those around them. Their blindness was their shame.
It took all the strength and courage they could muster to call out to Jesus. To draw attention to their blindness in front of everyone. To risk ridicule, rebuke and judgment for the small chance that they might see the goodness of God.
The crowd is described as trying to keep them from Jesus. The crowd strongly disapproved of them and told them to be quiet. The crowd saw them as sinners not worthy of the attention of such a Holy one as Christ Himself.
But, Jesus....
Oh, those two words. Those two words make all the difference.
But, Jesus...
But, Jesus saw what no one else saw. He saw the faith of these men. He saw the courage of these men. He saw their heartache and their shame and instead of rebuking them he stopped and he called back to them.
Jesus asked them a question that we must all ask ourselves.
Jesus asked "What do you want me to do for you?"
Loaded question.
What did they want from Jesus?
The blind men knew exactly what they wanted. It's why they had called Him. It's why they shouted above the crowd.
They answered, "Lord, we want our sight"
They wanted what belonged to them. They wanted their shame removed. They wanted their sins forgiven. They wanted to be whole. They wanted to see the glory of their God manifested in them.
What do I want from Jesus?
What do you want from Jesus?
It took me some time and prayer to realize what I want from him.
I battle depression and anxiety.
Only recently did I realize the amount of shame that is tied to both. It is a common belief that depression is a direct result of sin. The crowd has rebuked me. The crowd has told me to be quiet. The crowd has tried to keep me from Jesus.
But, Jesus...
He hears my shouts for help and he asks me what I want from him.
I want what the blind men wanted.
I want what is mine.
I want to see the glory of my God.
I want healing and I want to be whole.
I want joy.
I want my life.
I want my shame removed.
My depression and anxiety may very well be a result of sin but Jesus has compassion when the crowd has rejection.
Jesus touches the untouchables.
He touched the blind men and they immediately received sight.
Jesus has asked me what I want and I will be strong and courageous enough to ask for it. Even if it costs me everything.
What do you want from him?
Just ask.
11:04 PM
Calm and Clear
I walked to my car and put the white baggy in my center console. I was filled with equal parts excitement and dread. I found myself continually glancing at that bag on the drive home. I could hear the pills inside rattling as I drove. I didn't know whether that rattle should bring hope or terror.
When I was safely at home I opened the bottle and shook one tiny blue pill into the palm of my hand.
No turning back now.
I cut the pill in half (Dr.'s orders), threw it in my mouth and washed it down with a glass of water.
Then. I waited.
I wasn't sure what to expect and at first I felt nothing. One hour in I was attempting to write a "Happy Birthday" message on facebook for my son and realized I felt stoned. It was like I was watching a movie of myself typing and then talking and moving.
I expected a lot of side effects but feeling high as a kite was not something I prepared for. I immediately typed "zoloft side effects" into my browser. The internet has all the answers after all... right?
I read horror story after horror story but then I stumbled on women like me that wrote about how zoloft saved their lives. I also read that the side effects in the first two weeks are temporary.
As the day went on I felt better and better.
I told my husband it was probably just a placebo effect. Surely, no drug could change a person so quickly. But, with every hour that goes by without my usual anxiety, depression and compulsive behaviors I am finding it hard to believe it could be anything short of a miracle.
Here is the best way I can explain how I feel:
Last night I went into my room and found a pile of dirty diapers on the floor (gross. I know. please don't judge me.)
My normal thought process:
Look at all these dirty diapers. You are such a shitty wife. You are such a shitty mom. You're a failure. What do you even do all day? You're so lazy and irresponsible. Why can't you just be normal like everyone else and clean up your shit.
Then I would feel so mentally beaten down and exhausted that I wouldn't even bother to pick up the diapers. I would have walked over them with my head hung down in shame and climbed into my bed. I would have continued to beat myself up until I fell asleep and then woke up to those same diapers the next morning and started the cycle over again.
THAT was my life.
But my zoloft thought process went like this:
Look at all these dirty diapers. I need to throw these away.
Then ... wait for it ... I... threw...them...away!!!!!
I cannot even begin to explain how that feels. To be able to see what needs to be done and be able to do it.
There are a million other examples like that over the last 48 hours.
I feel calm.
I feel clear.
I know I'm only two days in but I'm praying this is the real deal.
.............................................
Are you battling anxiety, depression, OCD, ADD or any other mental health issue that alters your daily life?
Please don't wait another day to reach out to your doctor. Medication is not the only answer neither is it the answer for every person. Your doctor will be able to help you determine the best treatment for you.
Be encouraged. You are not alone.
When I was safely at home I opened the bottle and shook one tiny blue pill into the palm of my hand.
No turning back now.
I cut the pill in half (Dr.'s orders), threw it in my mouth and washed it down with a glass of water.
Then. I waited.
I wasn't sure what to expect and at first I felt nothing. One hour in I was attempting to write a "Happy Birthday" message on facebook for my son and realized I felt stoned. It was like I was watching a movie of myself typing and then talking and moving.
I expected a lot of side effects but feeling high as a kite was not something I prepared for. I immediately typed "zoloft side effects" into my browser. The internet has all the answers after all... right?
I read horror story after horror story but then I stumbled on women like me that wrote about how zoloft saved their lives. I also read that the side effects in the first two weeks are temporary.
As the day went on I felt better and better.
I told my husband it was probably just a placebo effect. Surely, no drug could change a person so quickly. But, with every hour that goes by without my usual anxiety, depression and compulsive behaviors I am finding it hard to believe it could be anything short of a miracle.
Here is the best way I can explain how I feel:
Last night I went into my room and found a pile of dirty diapers on the floor (gross. I know. please don't judge me.)
My normal thought process:
Look at all these dirty diapers. You are such a shitty wife. You are such a shitty mom. You're a failure. What do you even do all day? You're so lazy and irresponsible. Why can't you just be normal like everyone else and clean up your shit.
Then I would feel so mentally beaten down and exhausted that I wouldn't even bother to pick up the diapers. I would have walked over them with my head hung down in shame and climbed into my bed. I would have continued to beat myself up until I fell asleep and then woke up to those same diapers the next morning and started the cycle over again.
THAT was my life.
But my zoloft thought process went like this:
Look at all these dirty diapers. I need to throw these away.
Then ... wait for it ... I... threw...them...away!!!!!
I cannot even begin to explain how that feels. To be able to see what needs to be done and be able to do it.
There are a million other examples like that over the last 48 hours.
I feel calm.
I feel clear.
I know I'm only two days in but I'm praying this is the real deal.
.............................................
Are you battling anxiety, depression, OCD, ADD or any other mental health issue that alters your daily life?
Please don't wait another day to reach out to your doctor. Medication is not the only answer neither is it the answer for every person. Your doctor will be able to help you determine the best treatment for you.
Be encouraged. You are not alone.
1:44 PM
I'm not dirty. part II
The same shame that followed me into kindergarten followed me into motherhood.
Then a year later it followed me into marriage.
Only I didn't even know what shame was back then. I had no idea that the wrong I felt had a name. However, ignorance is not always bliss. Not knowing what shame was did not stop it from controlling my life. The shame told me I was horrible, no good, unworthy, incapable of change and unlovable. I believed these lies and reacted to life based on them.
As a mother I did everything to make sure Tyler wouldn't grow up the way I did. My parents got divorced when I was very young and I was determined to stay with Brandon at all costs to spare my son the heartache of growing up in two separate homes. I was afraid of messing up his life. I was afraid of letting him down. I was afraid of being a single mother. I made all my decisions, as a mother, based on what I didn't want and what I feared. I tried to control everything. I thought if I could just be a perfect wife and mother history would not repeat itself.
My feelings of unworthiness and unlovability drove me to controlling Brandon. I constantly felt like he was going to find someone better and leave me. I thought that I was replaceable and one day he would realize this and move on. I would interrogate him about his whereabouts daily. If he came home late from work I would accuse him of cheating. I searched his browser history. I searched his phone records. I was a detective with a mission. I would pick fights with him and nag him.
I was a control freak.
I was also miserable.
I couldn't enjoy my son or my husband because I was living in constant fear of upsetting or losing them.
When Tyler was two years old we found out we were pregnant again. Transitioning to two terrified me until Ella was born and we brought her home. Everything just meshed. That is until Ella became mobile. Once she could move she became a wild child and I was constantly exhausted. At this same time Tyler entered the "terrible-crazy-out of control three's". I remember crying a lot. I could no longer control ANYTHING. I felt out of control and fearful every.minute.of.every.day.
This is when my panic attacks and anxiety became prevalent.
I would walk into the grocery store and become instantly overwhelmed. It would start with worrying thoughts about all the germs that were everywhere. Then I would feel my heart rate begin to quicken. My vision would fail. I would feel as if everything was a blur. I would begin to hear my heart beat inside of my ears and feel the blood pumping through my veins. I wouldn't be able to breathe and the more panicked I felt the more fearful I became the more panicked I would become. My anxiety fed on itself. My fear of losing control in front of everyone would cause me more anxiety. It was horrible and scary.
I stopped leaving the house unless absolutely necessary.
I became more afraid of driving. I would visualize horrific car accidents while driving that felt so real I would have to pull over and catch my breath. I would wake up in the middle of night unable to breathe and fearful. I would obsess over possible tragedies and truly believed that if I didn't follow all of my daily rituals I would cause one of these tragedies to happen. I thought my rituals kept everyone safe.
When I was pregnant with Ella I had started going to church (this was in California). This was completely out of character for me. My reasoning was that if there was no hell then at least my kids would be raised with good morals but if there was a hell I was not going to be to blame for not exposing them to a Savior. Once again, believing everything depended on my decisions.
My thoughts about Christians prior to church were that Christians were judgmental and holier than thou. I had been shamed by many a Christian and really didn't want anything to do with anymore of them.
Imagine my surprise when the first sermon I ever heard was on judgmental attitudes. The pastor spoke about how Christians do NOT have the right to judge to condemn others. He spoke about a God that loved me. I was completely confused.
There was a girl named DeeDee there that day and she invited me to come back to church that evening for a meeting. She said the pastor would be going over what the church believes and I could ask questions. I had plenty of questions, so I agreed.
I went back that night prepared to stump this pastor. Surely he would be upset by all my questions thus proving that the whole thing was a sham and Christians don't know what they believe.
Instead the pastor had an answer for every one of my questions and I will never forget what he said to me.
He said, "Keep asking questions. Questions are good. The more questions you ask the stronger your faith will become. Being a Christian is not about blind allegiance and the Bible can stand up to your questions."
I went home feeling uneasy about this whole God thing.
That night we watched a movie with my dad. The first movie he put on was some 1980's John Cusack monstrosity. I begged him to change it. The other movie he had rented was a football movie and he couldn't remember what it was about. It turned out to be "Facing the Giants". If you have never seen this movie, it has little to do with football and a lot to do with faith. I felt like this God, I wasn't even sure existed, was speaking directly to me.
When we moved to Las Vegas my biggest concern was where I would go to church. We got an Easter flier in the mail for a church called Central Christian. We went and I remember feeling instantly at home. The people were friendly. We received not a single dirty look or sideways lofty glance. The music was amazing. I remember hearing the song "Marvelous Light" and feeling as if something in my body I never knew existed was reaching out into the music.
I felt alive.
I cried.
I finally allowed myself to think, "Maybe ... just maybe ... this is real."
Then a year later it followed me into marriage.
Only I didn't even know what shame was back then. I had no idea that the wrong I felt had a name. However, ignorance is not always bliss. Not knowing what shame was did not stop it from controlling my life. The shame told me I was horrible, no good, unworthy, incapable of change and unlovable. I believed these lies and reacted to life based on them.
As a mother I did everything to make sure Tyler wouldn't grow up the way I did. My parents got divorced when I was very young and I was determined to stay with Brandon at all costs to spare my son the heartache of growing up in two separate homes. I was afraid of messing up his life. I was afraid of letting him down. I was afraid of being a single mother. I made all my decisions, as a mother, based on what I didn't want and what I feared. I tried to control everything. I thought if I could just be a perfect wife and mother history would not repeat itself.
My feelings of unworthiness and unlovability drove me to controlling Brandon. I constantly felt like he was going to find someone better and leave me. I thought that I was replaceable and one day he would realize this and move on. I would interrogate him about his whereabouts daily. If he came home late from work I would accuse him of cheating. I searched his browser history. I searched his phone records. I was a detective with a mission. I would pick fights with him and nag him.
I was a control freak.
I was also miserable.
I couldn't enjoy my son or my husband because I was living in constant fear of upsetting or losing them.
When Tyler was two years old we found out we were pregnant again. Transitioning to two terrified me until Ella was born and we brought her home. Everything just meshed. That is until Ella became mobile. Once she could move she became a wild child and I was constantly exhausted. At this same time Tyler entered the "terrible-crazy-out of control three's". I remember crying a lot. I could no longer control ANYTHING. I felt out of control and fearful every.minute.of.every.day.
This is when my panic attacks and anxiety became prevalent.
I would walk into the grocery store and become instantly overwhelmed. It would start with worrying thoughts about all the germs that were everywhere. Then I would feel my heart rate begin to quicken. My vision would fail. I would feel as if everything was a blur. I would begin to hear my heart beat inside of my ears and feel the blood pumping through my veins. I wouldn't be able to breathe and the more panicked I felt the more fearful I became the more panicked I would become. My anxiety fed on itself. My fear of losing control in front of everyone would cause me more anxiety. It was horrible and scary.
I stopped leaving the house unless absolutely necessary.
I became more afraid of driving. I would visualize horrific car accidents while driving that felt so real I would have to pull over and catch my breath. I would wake up in the middle of night unable to breathe and fearful. I would obsess over possible tragedies and truly believed that if I didn't follow all of my daily rituals I would cause one of these tragedies to happen. I thought my rituals kept everyone safe.
When I was pregnant with Ella I had started going to church (this was in California). This was completely out of character for me. My reasoning was that if there was no hell then at least my kids would be raised with good morals but if there was a hell I was not going to be to blame for not exposing them to a Savior. Once again, believing everything depended on my decisions.
My thoughts about Christians prior to church were that Christians were judgmental and holier than thou. I had been shamed by many a Christian and really didn't want anything to do with anymore of them.
Imagine my surprise when the first sermon I ever heard was on judgmental attitudes. The pastor spoke about how Christians do NOT have the right to judge to condemn others. He spoke about a God that loved me. I was completely confused.
There was a girl named DeeDee there that day and she invited me to come back to church that evening for a meeting. She said the pastor would be going over what the church believes and I could ask questions. I had plenty of questions, so I agreed.
I went back that night prepared to stump this pastor. Surely he would be upset by all my questions thus proving that the whole thing was a sham and Christians don't know what they believe.
Instead the pastor had an answer for every one of my questions and I will never forget what he said to me.
He said, "Keep asking questions. Questions are good. The more questions you ask the stronger your faith will become. Being a Christian is not about blind allegiance and the Bible can stand up to your questions."
I went home feeling uneasy about this whole God thing.
That night we watched a movie with my dad. The first movie he put on was some 1980's John Cusack monstrosity. I begged him to change it. The other movie he had rented was a football movie and he couldn't remember what it was about. It turned out to be "Facing the Giants". If you have never seen this movie, it has little to do with football and a lot to do with faith. I felt like this God, I wasn't even sure existed, was speaking directly to me.
When we moved to Las Vegas my biggest concern was where I would go to church. We got an Easter flier in the mail for a church called Central Christian. We went and I remember feeling instantly at home. The people were friendly. We received not a single dirty look or sideways lofty glance. The music was amazing. I remember hearing the song "Marvelous Light" and feeling as if something in my body I never knew existed was reaching out into the music.
I felt alive.
I cried.
I finally allowed myself to think, "Maybe ... just maybe ... this is real."
7:35 AM
Healing gets deeper
I was looking through one of my old blogs before deleting it and I came across this post I wrote EXACTLY two years ago today! What is crazy is I needed to read this today. I needed this reminder. I peeled that band aid off back then but I'm peeling deeper band aids off in this season of my life. Reminding me that healing is never finished it just gets deeper.
........................................
We've all needed a band aid at one time or another. For anything from minor scratches to deep cuts. We hurt ourselves and needed to protect that "owie" from the contaminates and germs in the world. A band aid also protected our wound from further harm and damage. Eventually that dreaded day would come when we must face the music and remove the band aid. It has served it's purpose and is no longer helpful or necessary. In order for our wound to heal it has to be exposed. No one looks forward to baring a wound and removing the band aid can be painful. Over time the band aid has so adhered to our skin that it becomes difficult to pull off without causing some degree of pain. We often begin the removal process by testing the waters. Peeling back just enough of the edge to see how much pain we are in for. The minute we feel the tug on our skin we re adhere the band aid to it's former place. Of course, this only makes the eventual tearing that much more painful. At some point we must make a decision: we're either going to live in fear of the pain and allow the band aid that was once a protection to our wound to become a hindrance to it's healing or we're going to suck it up, get a grip, take a deep breath and rip it off as fast as we can. Once we tear it off we realize something. We were right, it did hurt, but only for a second. Now our wound is exposed. It's ugly and messy but the longer it is aired out the more it heals. Until, one day it disappears completely or leaves a scar but either way it is no longer causing us pain. It has healed.
God gave me this analogy in my prayer time this morning. I think it is a beautiful illustration of what holds us back from healing from our past traumas. I have wanted change in my life for so long. I used to believe it was everyone else that needed to change. If my husband would just read my mind and do what I want then I wouldn't be so controlling. If my kids would just obey me then I wouldn't have to be so angry all the time. If my friends would just live the way I think they should then I wouldn't spend endless time worrying and obsessing over their problems. I'm only now realizing that it's not everybody else. It's me. I'm codependent. And not just a little bit.
The band aid in this analogy represents my codependent habits and reactions. When my wound was fresh and bleeding I developed these habits to cope and survive. They WERE necessary. They saved me and kept me sane. But, I never knew when to "remove the band aid" so to speak. God is showing me that day has come. In order for me to become a healthy functional adult I must remove these character defects that once protected me. They are such a part of me at this point that it is hard to separate myself from them without experiencing a great deal of pain. But, I know God is with me. He is holding me tight and He will only give me what He knows I'm strong enough to handle at this point in my recovery. I have so much hope that I can and will change. I refuse to live this way anymore. I refuse to keep attaching myself to other people in an unhealthy dysfunctional way. I refuse to be angry all the time because I internalize and repress my feelings. I refuse to let other people's emotions control me. I am ready to be free from my past and the codependency that developed from it. I am ready to heal.
..........................
In this season I'm working on removing my band aids of hiding, of mistrust, of self doubt.
What band aids do you need to remove?
........................................
We've all needed a band aid at one time or another. For anything from minor scratches to deep cuts. We hurt ourselves and needed to protect that "owie" from the contaminates and germs in the world. A band aid also protected our wound from further harm and damage. Eventually that dreaded day would come when we must face the music and remove the band aid. It has served it's purpose and is no longer helpful or necessary. In order for our wound to heal it has to be exposed. No one looks forward to baring a wound and removing the band aid can be painful. Over time the band aid has so adhered to our skin that it becomes difficult to pull off without causing some degree of pain. We often begin the removal process by testing the waters. Peeling back just enough of the edge to see how much pain we are in for. The minute we feel the tug on our skin we re adhere the band aid to it's former place. Of course, this only makes the eventual tearing that much more painful. At some point we must make a decision: we're either going to live in fear of the pain and allow the band aid that was once a protection to our wound to become a hindrance to it's healing or we're going to suck it up, get a grip, take a deep breath and rip it off as fast as we can. Once we tear it off we realize something. We were right, it did hurt, but only for a second. Now our wound is exposed. It's ugly and messy but the longer it is aired out the more it heals. Until, one day it disappears completely or leaves a scar but either way it is no longer causing us pain. It has healed.
God gave me this analogy in my prayer time this morning. I think it is a beautiful illustration of what holds us back from healing from our past traumas. I have wanted change in my life for so long. I used to believe it was everyone else that needed to change. If my husband would just read my mind and do what I want then I wouldn't be so controlling. If my kids would just obey me then I wouldn't have to be so angry all the time. If my friends would just live the way I think they should then I wouldn't spend endless time worrying and obsessing over their problems. I'm only now realizing that it's not everybody else. It's me. I'm codependent. And not just a little bit.
The band aid in this analogy represents my codependent habits and reactions. When my wound was fresh and bleeding I developed these habits to cope and survive. They WERE necessary. They saved me and kept me sane. But, I never knew when to "remove the band aid" so to speak. God is showing me that day has come. In order for me to become a healthy functional adult I must remove these character defects that once protected me. They are such a part of me at this point that it is hard to separate myself from them without experiencing a great deal of pain. But, I know God is with me. He is holding me tight and He will only give me what He knows I'm strong enough to handle at this point in my recovery. I have so much hope that I can and will change. I refuse to live this way anymore. I refuse to keep attaching myself to other people in an unhealthy dysfunctional way. I refuse to be angry all the time because I internalize and repress my feelings. I refuse to let other people's emotions control me. I am ready to be free from my past and the codependency that developed from it. I am ready to heal.
..........................
In this season I'm working on removing my band aids of hiding, of mistrust, of self doubt.
What band aids do you need to remove?
3:06 PM
My depression is an a-hole.
Hi, my name is Heather and I battle depression.
Not like an "every now and then I feel blue" depression. It's more like a big, bad, in-my-face, bully, mean and ugly depression. My depression is an a-hole. We are not friends and I really want to break up. But, he's like that boyfriend you break up with but he won't take a hint and keeps calling and acting like you're still together. Ya, he's like that.
This month has been especially heavy for me. I went to the Dr. to finally get some medication. (therapists have been trying to medicate me since high school but I refused to admit it was necessary) I am finally at the point of accepting that this depression is holding me back from being myself and loving those I care about. I'm going to get better. I have hope. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Today I had been crying a lot and feeling worthless. Instead of staying in that place I decided to reach out to a trusted friend and she suggested writing a list of all the things I'm thankful for and getting alone with Jesus to ask for his help and to thank Him. If you have depression than you know how hard it is to just stand up much less think and breathe and talk and pray. But, this friend also struggles with depression and is much further along in her recovery so I knew what she was asking was possible and I could do it.
Then my husband and I decided to watch church online.
As if the message were meant just for me our pastor said these words:
"A thankless heart becomes a discouraged heart."
After watching the rest of the message I got out my notebook and pen and prayed. My mind began to surge with thankfulness.
Here is what I came up with... I am thankful for:
1. A husband who adores me and treats me with love and respect. Who I can be completely myself with. Who understands my crazy. Who I can fight to the death with and still find myself wrapped in his strong arms before I fall asleep at night.
2. My oldest son who is so forgiving. Who is soft and sensitive in some difficult but beautiful ways. Who cares about my feelings. Who cares about justice and fairness and humility. Who hates bragging and inconsistency. Who is honest and kind.
3. My only girl. Who tells me I'm sweet whenever I'm being ugly. Who loves violently. (like for real... she will tell you she loves you too much and then punch you.) Who tries very hard to please. Who is funny and smart. Who is wild and unruly is the very best ways.
4. My baby whose smile brightens my very worst days. Who babbles and laughs and dances. Who loves the piano. Who falls asleep on my chest and fills my heart with joy and contentment.
5. My home that's often (always) messy. That provides us with shelter. That's the keeper of our memories. Of every meal eaten around our old junky table. Of every living room dance party ever held. Of every teaching moment missed and every teaching moment captured and of every beautiful, noisy, chaotic moment in between.
6. Noise. The constant buzz of children growing up. Coming home before our date night last night to a house without our children made me thankful for the noise I so often hate and complain about. It won't always be noisy and some day, sooner than I would like, it will be gone. The house will be quiet and that will be beautiful in its own right but I will miss the noise.
7. For my best friend. We've been up and we've been down. We've fallen in and out of love with each other over the years. But, that has built this strong foundation and history that I wouldn't change for anything. We have screamed at each other, made each other cry, pulled each other out of the pit, shared laughs and inside jokes, watched each others children growing up, prayed for each other and wiped each others tears. She is my rock. She is my safe place. She is my S.I.C.
Not like an "every now and then I feel blue" depression. It's more like a big, bad, in-my-face, bully, mean and ugly depression. My depression is an a-hole. We are not friends and I really want to break up. But, he's like that boyfriend you break up with but he won't take a hint and keeps calling and acting like you're still together. Ya, he's like that.
This month has been especially heavy for me. I went to the Dr. to finally get some medication. (therapists have been trying to medicate me since high school but I refused to admit it was necessary) I am finally at the point of accepting that this depression is holding me back from being myself and loving those I care about. I'm going to get better. I have hope. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Today I had been crying a lot and feeling worthless. Instead of staying in that place I decided to reach out to a trusted friend and she suggested writing a list of all the things I'm thankful for and getting alone with Jesus to ask for his help and to thank Him. If you have depression than you know how hard it is to just stand up much less think and breathe and talk and pray. But, this friend also struggles with depression and is much further along in her recovery so I knew what she was asking was possible and I could do it.
Then my husband and I decided to watch church online.
As if the message were meant just for me our pastor said these words:
"A thankless heart becomes a discouraged heart."
After watching the rest of the message I got out my notebook and pen and prayed. My mind began to surge with thankfulness.
Here is what I came up with... I am thankful for:
1. A husband who adores me and treats me with love and respect. Who I can be completely myself with. Who understands my crazy. Who I can fight to the death with and still find myself wrapped in his strong arms before I fall asleep at night.
2. My oldest son who is so forgiving. Who is soft and sensitive in some difficult but beautiful ways. Who cares about my feelings. Who cares about justice and fairness and humility. Who hates bragging and inconsistency. Who is honest and kind.
3. My only girl. Who tells me I'm sweet whenever I'm being ugly. Who loves violently. (like for real... she will tell you she loves you too much and then punch you.) Who tries very hard to please. Who is funny and smart. Who is wild and unruly is the very best ways.
4. My baby whose smile brightens my very worst days. Who babbles and laughs and dances. Who loves the piano. Who falls asleep on my chest and fills my heart with joy and contentment.
5. My home that's often (always) messy. That provides us with shelter. That's the keeper of our memories. Of every meal eaten around our old junky table. Of every living room dance party ever held. Of every teaching moment missed and every teaching moment captured and of every beautiful, noisy, chaotic moment in between.
6. Noise. The constant buzz of children growing up. Coming home before our date night last night to a house without our children made me thankful for the noise I so often hate and complain about. It won't always be noisy and some day, sooner than I would like, it will be gone. The house will be quiet and that will be beautiful in its own right but I will miss the noise.
7. For my best friend. We've been up and we've been down. We've fallen in and out of love with each other over the years. But, that has built this strong foundation and history that I wouldn't change for anything. We have screamed at each other, made each other cry, pulled each other out of the pit, shared laughs and inside jokes, watched each others children growing up, prayed for each other and wiped each others tears. She is my rock. She is my safe place. She is my S.I.C.
I am thankful. A thankful heart becomes an encouraged heart.
..........................
Are you battling depression? Get help. Reach out. Speak up. Refocus. Pray. Be thankful.
..........................
Are you battling depression? Get help. Reach out. Speak up. Refocus. Pray. Be thankful.
1:54 PM
A dream is a wish your heart makes... this is my hearts deepest wish for women
A dream is wish your heart makes.
I would like to share the wish my heart is making with all of you.
I am hoping and wishing and dreaming of a place for women. A place where the only requirements are that you show up, be kind, be gentle, be patient, be inclusive, love your fellow sister women and love them well.
A place of authenticity. Where we can drag in our trashcan full of junk and instead of covering that trashcan with a pinterest worthy, hand stitched, chevron printed throw blanket and spraying it with fabreeze to cover the stench; we can dump it out, dig through it with other women, help them dig through theirs and while we're digging find the treasures buried in each other's trash. That we could all sit in one another's junk and not judge each other and not measure whether my junk is bigger or worse than your junk. But, just sit in it and be honest about it and let others see it knowing that we've all got some. That none of us are perfect. That none of us has it all figured out.
A place of trust. Trust is a huge issue for me. I am constantly questioning other women's motives towards me. I want this to change. I want to start building trust with other women. I want women to experience what it feels like to pour out your heart and hurts to another woman and not have to worry whether she will turn around and use it against you. Without having to worry whether that woman will take your detailed pain and, under the guise of concern, share it with a mutual friend. I haven't experienced many trustworthy women in my life and I haven't always been one myself. I feel like women are, so often, in self preservation mode. On the defense. Like it's kill or be killed. So we protect ourselves at all costs. We keep our hurt and struggle locked up inside where we feel safe and no one can hurt us. Over the years I am learning the truth in this statement: "we are only as sick as our secrets." The ugly you keep locked in your heart will eventually make it's way out. Through your actions, words, health, etc. Without trust it is hard if not impossible to love well.
A place of safety and protection. If we are going to require authenticity and vulnerability than this place must be safe and protected. There must be guidelines in place that protect the integrity of the mission. This goes hand in hand with trust and bare with me if I'm being redundant. This place I dream of needs to be a place where women can feel safe to trust and safe to empty their trashcan in front of others. A place where they know they are protected. There was a time when I was so despaired and I desperately wanted to get my junk out and experience healing but I was so broken and afraid. I didn't believe I was really safe. I thought it was a trap. That once I was completely honest I would find out that this whole "let's be authentic" game didn't apply to me. That my authentic life was too dirty, too shameful, too revolting, too sinful. No one could understand. No one could hear my truth and still love me. But, I was wrong. Jesus has used safe and protective people in my life to help me let go of my shame and I dream of being a safe and protective person He can use to help other's let go of theirs.
A place of service. I have a vision of women meeting each others needs. Emotionally and also materially. That if our sister woman is in need we are the first to meet that need. I also have a vision of women serving the community. A huge part of healing and getting free from shame can be found in washing the feet of others. Healing can be found in loving someone who may not be capable of returning your love. To give what cannot be paid back.
I would like to share the wish my heart is making with all of you.
I am hoping and wishing and dreaming of a place for women. A place where the only requirements are that you show up, be kind, be gentle, be patient, be inclusive, love your fellow sister women and love them well.
A place of authenticity. Where we can drag in our trashcan full of junk and instead of covering that trashcan with a pinterest worthy, hand stitched, chevron printed throw blanket and spraying it with fabreeze to cover the stench; we can dump it out, dig through it with other women, help them dig through theirs and while we're digging find the treasures buried in each other's trash. That we could all sit in one another's junk and not judge each other and not measure whether my junk is bigger or worse than your junk. But, just sit in it and be honest about it and let others see it knowing that we've all got some. That none of us are perfect. That none of us has it all figured out.
A place of trust. Trust is a huge issue for me. I am constantly questioning other women's motives towards me. I want this to change. I want to start building trust with other women. I want women to experience what it feels like to pour out your heart and hurts to another woman and not have to worry whether she will turn around and use it against you. Without having to worry whether that woman will take your detailed pain and, under the guise of concern, share it with a mutual friend. I haven't experienced many trustworthy women in my life and I haven't always been one myself. I feel like women are, so often, in self preservation mode. On the defense. Like it's kill or be killed. So we protect ourselves at all costs. We keep our hurt and struggle locked up inside where we feel safe and no one can hurt us. Over the years I am learning the truth in this statement: "we are only as sick as our secrets." The ugly you keep locked in your heart will eventually make it's way out. Through your actions, words, health, etc. Without trust it is hard if not impossible to love well.
A place of safety and protection. If we are going to require authenticity and vulnerability than this place must be safe and protected. There must be guidelines in place that protect the integrity of the mission. This goes hand in hand with trust and bare with me if I'm being redundant. This place I dream of needs to be a place where women can feel safe to trust and safe to empty their trashcan in front of others. A place where they know they are protected. There was a time when I was so despaired and I desperately wanted to get my junk out and experience healing but I was so broken and afraid. I didn't believe I was really safe. I thought it was a trap. That once I was completely honest I would find out that this whole "let's be authentic" game didn't apply to me. That my authentic life was too dirty, too shameful, too revolting, too sinful. No one could understand. No one could hear my truth and still love me. But, I was wrong. Jesus has used safe and protective people in my life to help me let go of my shame and I dream of being a safe and protective person He can use to help other's let go of theirs.
A place of service. I have a vision of women meeting each others needs. Emotionally and also materially. That if our sister woman is in need we are the first to meet that need. I also have a vision of women serving the community. A huge part of healing and getting free from shame can be found in washing the feet of others. Healing can be found in loving someone who may not be capable of returning your love. To give what cannot be paid back.
A place where women can pray for one another. Where we bring our darkness into the light and experience what it's like to have other women pray for us instead of judge us. I believe with everything in my soul that prayer changes things. It can change circumstances. It can change the person we are praying for. It can change us. It can change hearts. The power of prayer is in His name.... Jesus.
Overall a place where we seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with Jesus.
This place I dream of may sound exactly like that... a dream. A place that only exists in the confines of our fantasies. Too some degree that is true because ministry is run by people and people are flawed. But, I'm dreaming and, like the guest speaker said at our church last sunday, "If you're gonna dream, dream big." So, I'm dreaming big. Because dreams are BIG. I think we are capable ladies. I think highly of us. I think we were made for this. I think we are ready for this.
Who's gonna join me?
Overall a place where we seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with Jesus.
This place I dream of may sound exactly like that... a dream. A place that only exists in the confines of our fantasies. Too some degree that is true because ministry is run by people and people are flawed. But, I'm dreaming and, like the guest speaker said at our church last sunday, "If you're gonna dream, dream big." So, I'm dreaming big. Because dreams are BIG. I think we are capable ladies. I think highly of us. I think we were made for this. I think we are ready for this.
Who's gonna join me?
10:24 AM
No more pretending.
It's amazing the unlikely places that we can find truth in this world. I was driving to the grocery store the other day and I heard a song from my past. I used to listen to this song in my angsty, pms riddled, high school drama days. Back then I just liked the melancholy melody. I like sad things. I'm weird. I know.
I love anything that can make me feel. I love to cry. Due to my love of crying I am a sucker for 90's grunge music. If I even hear the beginning of "Disarm" by the Smashing Pumpkins you will have to mop me up off the floor because I instantly become an emotional ball of goo. But, I love it. Something about sadness is universal. Hearing someone else's heart breaking reminds me that we're all in this together.
Back to the song. I heard this song and for the first time I really listened to the lyrics. I started crying not because it was sad but because it was honest. It was raw. It was real. It was hopeful. I so relate to the story in this song. I have been hiding for so long and I feel like I'm finally becoming the girl that's always been there. The girl that I was afraid and ashamed of for so many years and for the first time I can honestly say I like her. The girl who likes to cry. The girl who hates to clean. The girl who likes to pretend to be British when on vacation. (It's fun. Try it.) The girl who still thinks the roger rabbit is a totally acceptable dance move. The girl who has really high highs and really low lows (also known as depression.) The girl who is weird and blissfully lazy.
I like her.
I love anything that can make me feel. I love to cry. Due to my love of crying I am a sucker for 90's grunge music. If I even hear the beginning of "Disarm" by the Smashing Pumpkins you will have to mop me up off the floor because I instantly become an emotional ball of goo. But, I love it. Something about sadness is universal. Hearing someone else's heart breaking reminds me that we're all in this together.
Back to the song. I heard this song and for the first time I really listened to the lyrics. I started crying not because it was sad but because it was honest. It was raw. It was real. It was hopeful. I so relate to the story in this song. I have been hiding for so long and I feel like I'm finally becoming the girl that's always been there. The girl that I was afraid and ashamed of for so many years and for the first time I can honestly say I like her. The girl who likes to cry. The girl who hates to clean. The girl who likes to pretend to be British when on vacation. (It's fun. Try it.) The girl who still thinks the roger rabbit is a totally acceptable dance move. The girl who has really high highs and really low lows (also known as depression.) The girl who is weird and blissfully lazy.
I like her.
Finally.
Thank you Jesus for setting me free from the bondage of shame.
Thank you Jesus for setting me free from the bondage of shame.
2:00 PM
I'm not dirty. partI
The first time I realized I was different was in kindergarten. I had been told, up until this point, that I was beautiful. My mom thought I was pretty and my dad thought I was adorable. Aunts, uncles, grandparents... you could ask anyone... I was amazing in every way. Until kindergarten. Until mean little five year olds and ignorant teachers. Little kids started calling me dirty. Then a teacher asked if my mother ever bathed me... in front of EVERYONE. When my mom came to pick me up that day the teacher was feverishly trying to scrub the "dirt" off my face. She failed. Because I'm not dirty. I just have a birthmark. A big. brown. birthmark. on my face.
I became sickened by my looks. I became withdrawn and shy. I started believing that standing out and being different were shameful, dirty things. I would watch with envy as groups of little kids would huddle together and play and laugh and run. On the rare occasion that I would get a little brave in me and approach the other kids I would be shown quickly where my place was and it wasn't with them. My place was in the shadows. My place was alone.
I used to plead and make deals with God. If only He would take away this abomination on my face I would never say another bad word, I would listen to my mom, I would be a good girl. All I wanted in the pit of my being was to be liked and validated and this birthmark was in the way of both.
My deals with God changed nothing. I thought maybe there was no God and if there was he was mean.
I was "you know the girl with the birthmark". That was my name, my identity and my shame.
This shame followed me into high school. There I became a desperate love seeker. I would do anything to be liked. Smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, popping pills and giving away parts my soul to boys who didn't even know my name.
In elementary school I was dirty because of my looks but in high school I was dirty because of my reputation. I sunk deeper and deeper into depression. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My mind was my worst enemy. My thoughts would spit venom at me: You are ugly. You are stupid. No one loves you. You are worthless. You.don't.matter.
This self hatred coupled with self pity continued into my young adult years as well. I would seek and find people to abuse me. People who would help me prove to myself that I was worthy of ridicule and punishment. Friends who would tell me how weird I was, date my boyfriends (proving they were much prettier than me), tell me I wasn't as pretty as their other friends, use me and eventually abandon me. Boyfriends who would sleep with my friends, call me dirty, call me ugly, put their hands on me, blame me, say I deserved it, call me crazy and push me to my breaking point.
I was....
broken.
The straw that broke the camels back was when a good friend of mine was killed in a car accident while serving in Iraq.
I couldn't cope.
Life was cruel.
I started day drinking at this point. I would go to work drunk. I had two states of being: drunk and sleeping.
I lost weight. a.lot.of.weight. I was 85 lbs by the time my dad and step mom decided I needed to see a therapist.
I went but my heart wasn't in it. I was dead inside. I was a shell of a human.
I reverted back to men. Men were really good at making me feel loved and worthy. Even if it was only for a moment. It always amazed me how two people could be so intimate and close, as if their very souls were joined together. But, once the act is over it's as if you're strangers (which we were) and I would feel a physical chill in my heart as if my body had been emptied of it's life source. I've never felt more regret in my life than in those lonely minutes on my side of the bed.
I was a harlot. I was a drunk. I was empty. I was dead.
I met Brandon this way. It's the truth. I'm not proud of it but it's the truth.
I left his dark bedroom the next morning without knowing his name. I never thought I would see him again but he tracked me down.
We have a very backwards story (clearly.) But, I love our story because it's ours.
Somewhere in the craziness of those drunken nights I became pregnant.
I remember standing in my pajamas, hung over, looking down at a positive pregnancy test in one shaky hand and a lit cigarette in the other and thinking "what the hell do I do now?"
I called my step mom and she met me at the local med stop. I brought the pregnancy test with me and begged the nurse to tell me it was not really positive. She told me she could give me another test but it would be $40 and the chances of a false positive were almost impossible (and my test was clearly positive).
I was going to be a mom.
I became sickened by my looks. I became withdrawn and shy. I started believing that standing out and being different were shameful, dirty things. I would watch with envy as groups of little kids would huddle together and play and laugh and run. On the rare occasion that I would get a little brave in me and approach the other kids I would be shown quickly where my place was and it wasn't with them. My place was in the shadows. My place was alone.
I used to plead and make deals with God. If only He would take away this abomination on my face I would never say another bad word, I would listen to my mom, I would be a good girl. All I wanted in the pit of my being was to be liked and validated and this birthmark was in the way of both.
My deals with God changed nothing. I thought maybe there was no God and if there was he was mean.
I was "you know the girl with the birthmark". That was my name, my identity and my shame.
This shame followed me into high school. There I became a desperate love seeker. I would do anything to be liked. Smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, popping pills and giving away parts my soul to boys who didn't even know my name.
In elementary school I was dirty because of my looks but in high school I was dirty because of my reputation. I sunk deeper and deeper into depression. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My mind was my worst enemy. My thoughts would spit venom at me: You are ugly. You are stupid. No one loves you. You are worthless. You.don't.matter.
This self hatred coupled with self pity continued into my young adult years as well. I would seek and find people to abuse me. People who would help me prove to myself that I was worthy of ridicule and punishment. Friends who would tell me how weird I was, date my boyfriends (proving they were much prettier than me), tell me I wasn't as pretty as their other friends, use me and eventually abandon me. Boyfriends who would sleep with my friends, call me dirty, call me ugly, put their hands on me, blame me, say I deserved it, call me crazy and push me to my breaking point.
I was....
broken.
The straw that broke the camels back was when a good friend of mine was killed in a car accident while serving in Iraq.
I couldn't cope.
Life was cruel.
I started day drinking at this point. I would go to work drunk. I had two states of being: drunk and sleeping.
I lost weight. a.lot.of.weight. I was 85 lbs by the time my dad and step mom decided I needed to see a therapist.
I went but my heart wasn't in it. I was dead inside. I was a shell of a human.
I reverted back to men. Men were really good at making me feel loved and worthy. Even if it was only for a moment. It always amazed me how two people could be so intimate and close, as if their very souls were joined together. But, once the act is over it's as if you're strangers (which we were) and I would feel a physical chill in my heart as if my body had been emptied of it's life source. I've never felt more regret in my life than in those lonely minutes on my side of the bed.
I was a harlot. I was a drunk. I was empty. I was dead.
I met Brandon this way. It's the truth. I'm not proud of it but it's the truth.
I left his dark bedroom the next morning without knowing his name. I never thought I would see him again but he tracked me down.
We have a very backwards story (clearly.) But, I love our story because it's ours.
Somewhere in the craziness of those drunken nights I became pregnant.
I remember standing in my pajamas, hung over, looking down at a positive pregnancy test in one shaky hand and a lit cigarette in the other and thinking "what the hell do I do now?"
I called my step mom and she met me at the local med stop. I brought the pregnancy test with me and begged the nurse to tell me it was not really positive. She told me she could give me another test but it would be $40 and the chances of a false positive were almost impossible (and my test was clearly positive).
I was going to be a mom.
9:44 AM
Taking Steps
What's the next step?!?!?!?!
I am always trying to figure out what the next step is that God wants me to take. It comes from a good place in my heart that seeks to please God and do His will in my life. Buuuut, it can also turn into an all consuming obsession that paralyzes me with indecision. Do I go this way or that way? Is this my "calling" or is that my "calling"? Are you leading me here or there? I think You are calling me in this direction but what if I'm wrong and mess up Your plan for my life??? You see what I mean? Then I end up so confused that I do... nothing!
I am always trying to figure out what the next step is that God wants me to take. It comes from a good place in my heart that seeks to please God and do His will in my life. Buuuut, it can also turn into an all consuming obsession that paralyzes me with indecision. Do I go this way or that way? Is this my "calling" or is that my "calling"? Are you leading me here or there? I think You are calling me in this direction but what if I'm wrong and mess up Your plan for my life??? You see what I mean? Then I end up so confused that I do... nothing!
When we walk we take steps.
My son randomly said these words to me while I tucked him into bed one evening. He had no idea that I was currently begging God for the next steps for our family.
In that moment I was thinking "What are you talking about child? I'm telling you "goodnight" and your response is to tell me the obvious process of taking steps as we walk? Are you trying to confuse me so you can stay up later? It's working..."
As I nodded my head and said (in that familiar whatever parenting tone) "ah ha... yeah... ok... goodnight"
I was ready to completely dismiss this statement as the random babbling of a six year old when God brought it all into focus.
"You've been begging me for the next step and I just gave you the answer!"
WHEN we WAAAALK we take STEPS!
Right then it all became very clear to me. God doesn't need me to figure everything out. He doesn't need me to know the next step. He doesn't need me to fear messing up His plan (if you look at the bible it is clear that people make huuuuge mistakes but they do not ever mess up His plan because He is God and we are not) He just wants my love and friendship. He just wants me to walk with Him trusting that He will direct my steps as I walk. It's almost like I've heard this before somewhere:
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:5-6 [the message]
I do not have to figure everything out?!?! How freeing is that?? I have the freedom to just love Jesus and cling to Him? To walk with Him and talk with Him without the pressure of having to figure out every step He wants me to take before I take it? AMAZING
Are you struggling to figure out what God's next step is for you? Seek to walk with Him and trust that He will guide your steps!
9:41 AM
A Place to Belong
I have forever been envious of the girls who have a group. You know the girls who have been friends since high school or college or whatever. They seem like they're own little family. They go on vacation together. They go out to dinner together. They all get pregnant around the same time and then their kids grow up together.
They have a place to belong.
I have never really had that. I have friends... really great friends! But, I have never felt that sense of family with a group of women (who are also all friends... picture sex in the city). I have always had more individualized friendships with people who don't know each other. (make sense?)
I believe we all have this need to feel that we are known and we are loved. That we belong. I have had people who have "known" me (like all the ugly stuff) but not necessarily "loved" me and I have had people in my life who have "loved" me but I don't feel that they truly "know" me or care to. And it's always left me feeling unworthy, displaced and unsure.
When I first started reading the Bible I was constantly moved to tears by the way God loves. It was like he showed me over and over again these wretched people. He would call them to follow Him and they would turn their back on Him. They would murder and steal and cheat and royally screw up the love that God had given them. I would wait, expecting God to do what we humans do to each other: surely God is going to turn away from them now... surely He is going to take back His love now that He knows how unfaithful and messed up they are.... but... every.single.time I was shocked and amazed to see that He kept loving them. That He knew them... every shameful detail... and He loved them with an everlasting love.
For the first time in my life I felt "I belong".
I thought that feeling would last forever and to some degree it does. Deep down I have that to cling to. That no matter what I am known and I am loved by the creator of everything! I wish I could say that because of my knowing this I no longer struggle with trying to find my place in this world. Unfortunately that's not true. I still envy those women who have that circle of women in their life that know them and love them completely.
I often struggle with numbing my pain with sugar and alcohol. I realized this on a deeper level last night because I am unable to drink or eat sugar right now. I am having major dental issues (ok I lie they are minor at best but hey it's my mouth and to me any dental issue is MAJOR). After the kids went to bed I got this yucky, uneasy, uncomfortable in my own skin, anxious feeling. I got on facebook, tried to watch t.v. and neither made me feel better. I had an "aha" moment when I realized this is normally the time of night when I begin to nurse a glass of wine or eat a bowl of ice cream (which takes me at least 30 minutes because clearly I got problems mmm hmmm).
I started talking to Brandon and telling him how I just feel off. I had been reading "Bread & Wine" (amazing book!!!) buuuut the author often writes about her "people". The women in her life. And it triggered my deep seeded insecurity about friendship. As I laid it all out for my, wonderful and patient husband, I unexpectedly hit the nail on the head and started crying. I am lonely. I want community. I want to belong. I want to find my place.
My husband, in his calming wise way that he has, told me exactly what I needed to hear: "As you focus on God and seek Him instead of this other stuff that doesn't matter you will feel peace... keep reading the Bible and turning to Him and know that you belong to Him."
Did I marry well or what??? I mean really! He's top notch!
He is so right! Talking it out with him I also realized I am being like Eve. Eve had been given everything she ever needed by God but she allowed herself to be tempted to doubt God's goodness and covet the one thing she did not have. I guess the apple didn't fall far from the proverbial tree. Hahahaha but really. In order to feel so pitiful and lonely I have to turn away from all that God has given me and desire the one thing I don't have. I am part of this amazing family with a man I fall more in love with daily! I have friends that know my inner most flaws and my gifts and love me and pray for me and encourage me daily (even if they aren't friends with each other... who cares??? seriously! SER.IOUS.LY!) I have parents and siblings and children and my church and a home and and and ... you get the idea. How ungrateful to think that God is holding out on me. But, the best part is that even in moments of complete ungratefulness and self pity GOD STILL LOVES ME!
God loves me and that IS enough! He is my place to belong!
They have a place to belong.
I have never really had that. I have friends... really great friends! But, I have never felt that sense of family with a group of women (who are also all friends... picture sex in the city). I have always had more individualized friendships with people who don't know each other. (make sense?)
I believe we all have this need to feel that we are known and we are loved. That we belong. I have had people who have "known" me (like all the ugly stuff) but not necessarily "loved" me and I have had people in my life who have "loved" me but I don't feel that they truly "know" me or care to. And it's always left me feeling unworthy, displaced and unsure.
When I first started reading the Bible I was constantly moved to tears by the way God loves. It was like he showed me over and over again these wretched people. He would call them to follow Him and they would turn their back on Him. They would murder and steal and cheat and royally screw up the love that God had given them. I would wait, expecting God to do what we humans do to each other: surely God is going to turn away from them now... surely He is going to take back His love now that He knows how unfaithful and messed up they are.... but... every.single.time I was shocked and amazed to see that He kept loving them. That He knew them... every shameful detail... and He loved them with an everlasting love.
For the first time in my life I felt "I belong".
I thought that feeling would last forever and to some degree it does. Deep down I have that to cling to. That no matter what I am known and I am loved by the creator of everything! I wish I could say that because of my knowing this I no longer struggle with trying to find my place in this world. Unfortunately that's not true. I still envy those women who have that circle of women in their life that know them and love them completely.
I often struggle with numbing my pain with sugar and alcohol. I realized this on a deeper level last night because I am unable to drink or eat sugar right now. I am having major dental issues (ok I lie they are minor at best but hey it's my mouth and to me any dental issue is MAJOR). After the kids went to bed I got this yucky, uneasy, uncomfortable in my own skin, anxious feeling. I got on facebook, tried to watch t.v. and neither made me feel better. I had an "aha" moment when I realized this is normally the time of night when I begin to nurse a glass of wine or eat a bowl of ice cream (which takes me at least 30 minutes because clearly I got problems mmm hmmm).
I started talking to Brandon and telling him how I just feel off. I had been reading "Bread & Wine" (amazing book!!!) buuuut the author often writes about her "people". The women in her life. And it triggered my deep seeded insecurity about friendship. As I laid it all out for my, wonderful and patient husband, I unexpectedly hit the nail on the head and started crying. I am lonely. I want community. I want to belong. I want to find my place.
My husband, in his calming wise way that he has, told me exactly what I needed to hear: "As you focus on God and seek Him instead of this other stuff that doesn't matter you will feel peace... keep reading the Bible and turning to Him and know that you belong to Him."
Did I marry well or what??? I mean really! He's top notch!
He is so right! Talking it out with him I also realized I am being like Eve. Eve had been given everything she ever needed by God but she allowed herself to be tempted to doubt God's goodness and covet the one thing she did not have. I guess the apple didn't fall far from the proverbial tree. Hahahaha but really. In order to feel so pitiful and lonely I have to turn away from all that God has given me and desire the one thing I don't have. I am part of this amazing family with a man I fall more in love with daily! I have friends that know my inner most flaws and my gifts and love me and pray for me and encourage me daily (even if they aren't friends with each other... who cares??? seriously! SER.IOUS.LY!) I have parents and siblings and children and my church and a home and and and ... you get the idea. How ungrateful to think that God is holding out on me. But, the best part is that even in moments of complete ungratefulness and self pity GOD STILL LOVES ME!
God loves me and that IS enough! He is my place to belong!
12:04 PM
What am I doing?
Why we do what we do is just as important as what we do.
This statement has been on my mind for some time now. Some times we can do some really great things with some really crappy motives. That sucks! I believe in digging deeper and analyzing why we do what we do.
Why am I serving my church? Why am I feeding the homeless? Why am I praying for people? Why do I call myself a Christian? Why do I go to church? I could go on all day long but I digress.
Brandon and I were on vacation in Hawaii this month. While we were there I had this sense that God was going to do something BIG! For me, of course. (because I'm often selfish like that) Maybe speak to me and tell me His purpose for my life. And God did speak. Not in the way that I wanted or expected but DEFINITELY in the way that my soul desperately needed!
The second day in Maui we drove down to Lahaina in search of a bathing suit cover for me. (I had conveniently left mine in the dryer back home) I refused to pay $40 for something I could find on clearance at target for $10 so needless to say we did not find me a swimsuit cover. We decided to walk around aimlessly.
We took some pictures of the ocean and as we were walking we saw this beautiful church! I am a sucker for a beautiful cathedral. Something about the oldness and past that they represent is mesmerizing to me. I saw people were filing in quickly so I assumed service must be about to start. I asked Brandon to stop and we read the sign in front. Sure enough, service started at 9:30am and it was currently 9:25am. I told Brandon "Let's go! We should totally go to church! How awesome that we happen to be right in front of this beautiful church RIGHT when service is starting! So God!" (ok that might not be exactly what I said but you get the idea... I was STOKED) We crossed to their side of the street and I was taken aback by the look of pure disgust the greeter was looking at me and my husband with. His eyes said "YOU are not welcome here." Being the people pleaser that I am I put on my best "no worries... we're one of you... we love Jesus" smiles hoping he would telepathically read my thoughts and greet us. This did NOT happen. He stared back coldly.
We left and I felt rather... defeated. I remember saying how sad that was. How sad that we could of been atheists who were for the first time interested in what this Jesus guy was all about but that guy couldn't get past our shorts and tank tops and tattoos to share the gospel with us and welcome us in to truth. I also felt angry because those types of Christians are what kept me out of the church for so long.
I'm rambling now. Back to the point. Or maybe I don't have one ha!
We continued walking back the other direction away from the church. I was bumming hard because I was looking forward to worshipping God. All of sudden I see this man making things out of palm leaves across the street from where we stood. I whispered to Brandon "I want to take that mans picture but I don't want to creep him out". No sooner did I finish that statement when he yells across the street to us "Hey!!! You wanna see something cool? Come over here and check this out"
We crossed the street and he showed us an enormous black manta ray that had come all the way up to the edge of the shore. He said they never did that and he was curious why she was up here and was concerned that maybe she was injured. Seeing a ray that close in the wild was something I will never forget. Then he started feeding the fish (with bread ... you know ... the same way we feed ducks) All of these exotic fish started coming in to eat the bread. It was pretty cool. Brandon and the man started to have a discussion about the local surf spots and how pollution is effecting the water and life there. While they were talking I kept feeling this feeling that I needed to say something significant to this man. That we needed to share the truth about Jesus with him.
Back track with me for a moment: When I first became a Christian (roughly 4 years ago) I felt a strong desire to feed the homeless. I also feel a strong desire to share the gospel. So naturally in my human effort I combined the two.
Back to the man in Maui: While I was feeling the need to "save" this man and tell him about Jesus he begins to preach to us!!!! He started reciting Romans 8 (which is a post for another day but Romans 7 & 8 have changed my husband and mines lives over the last couple months) He was so wise and passionate! I was enthralled. I could have sat there and listened to him for hours. Which is pretty much what happened. He went on to tell us how he is memorizing Hebrews and what God is showing him through his studies. I can tell you what: I am sure in my heart that I received more teaching from that homeless man than I ever would have from Judgy Mc Judgerson across the street. (wait is that judgmental of me?)
The point of this story or my "take away" is that my feeling called to feed the homeless is good and biblical but I'm realizing it's not always an evangelist moment. I thought the "why" behind feeding the homeless was so that I could lead them to Christ. God is showing me, by the many homeless people that have spoken with more knowledge about Jesus than I can on my best day, that it is wrong of me to assume the poor are lost. And maybe I have a lot to learn from them and not the other way around.
This statement has been on my mind for some time now. Some times we can do some really great things with some really crappy motives. That sucks! I believe in digging deeper and analyzing why we do what we do.
Why am I serving my church? Why am I feeding the homeless? Why am I praying for people? Why do I call myself a Christian? Why do I go to church? I could go on all day long but I digress.
Brandon and I were on vacation in Hawaii this month. While we were there I had this sense that God was going to do something BIG! For me, of course. (because I'm often selfish like that) Maybe speak to me and tell me His purpose for my life. And God did speak. Not in the way that I wanted or expected but DEFINITELY in the way that my soul desperately needed!
The second day in Maui we drove down to Lahaina in search of a bathing suit cover for me. (I had conveniently left mine in the dryer back home) I refused to pay $40 for something I could find on clearance at target for $10 so needless to say we did not find me a swimsuit cover. We decided to walk around aimlessly.
We took some pictures of the ocean and as we were walking we saw this beautiful church! I am a sucker for a beautiful cathedral. Something about the oldness and past that they represent is mesmerizing to me. I saw people were filing in quickly so I assumed service must be about to start. I asked Brandon to stop and we read the sign in front. Sure enough, service started at 9:30am and it was currently 9:25am. I told Brandon "Let's go! We should totally go to church! How awesome that we happen to be right in front of this beautiful church RIGHT when service is starting! So God!" (ok that might not be exactly what I said but you get the idea... I was STOKED) We crossed to their side of the street and I was taken aback by the look of pure disgust the greeter was looking at me and my husband with. His eyes said "YOU are not welcome here." Being the people pleaser that I am I put on my best "no worries... we're one of you... we love Jesus" smiles hoping he would telepathically read my thoughts and greet us. This did NOT happen. He stared back coldly.
We left and I felt rather... defeated. I remember saying how sad that was. How sad that we could of been atheists who were for the first time interested in what this Jesus guy was all about but that guy couldn't get past our shorts and tank tops and tattoos to share the gospel with us and welcome us in to truth. I also felt angry because those types of Christians are what kept me out of the church for so long.
I'm rambling now. Back to the point. Or maybe I don't have one ha!
We continued walking back the other direction away from the church. I was bumming hard because I was looking forward to worshipping God. All of sudden I see this man making things out of palm leaves across the street from where we stood. I whispered to Brandon "I want to take that mans picture but I don't want to creep him out". No sooner did I finish that statement when he yells across the street to us "Hey!!! You wanna see something cool? Come over here and check this out"
We crossed the street and he showed us an enormous black manta ray that had come all the way up to the edge of the shore. He said they never did that and he was curious why she was up here and was concerned that maybe she was injured. Seeing a ray that close in the wild was something I will never forget. Then he started feeding the fish (with bread ... you know ... the same way we feed ducks) All of these exotic fish started coming in to eat the bread. It was pretty cool. Brandon and the man started to have a discussion about the local surf spots and how pollution is effecting the water and life there. While they were talking I kept feeling this feeling that I needed to say something significant to this man. That we needed to share the truth about Jesus with him.
Back track with me for a moment: When I first became a Christian (roughly 4 years ago) I felt a strong desire to feed the homeless. I also feel a strong desire to share the gospel. So naturally in my human effort I combined the two.
Back to the man in Maui: While I was feeling the need to "save" this man and tell him about Jesus he begins to preach to us!!!! He started reciting Romans 8 (which is a post for another day but Romans 7 & 8 have changed my husband and mines lives over the last couple months) He was so wise and passionate! I was enthralled. I could have sat there and listened to him for hours. Which is pretty much what happened. He went on to tell us how he is memorizing Hebrews and what God is showing him through his studies. I can tell you what: I am sure in my heart that I received more teaching from that homeless man than I ever would have from Judgy Mc Judgerson across the street. (wait is that judgmental of me?)
The point of this story or my "take away" is that my feeling called to feed the homeless is good and biblical but I'm realizing it's not always an evangelist moment. I thought the "why" behind feeding the homeless was so that I could lead them to Christ. God is showing me, by the many homeless people that have spoken with more knowledge about Jesus than I can on my best day, that it is wrong of me to assume the poor are lost. And maybe I have a lot to learn from them and not the other way around.
11:04 PM
Don't Miss the Point
God showed me something about how easily I become distracted by the unimportant and miss the point.
This morning I got on youtube to worship in the comfort of my bedroom. I looked up "Hosanna" by Hillsong and while waiting for the annoying ad to pass I started reading the comments underneath the video. Ohhh the dra-ma! People were tearing each other apart. Christians against atheists. Christians against other Christians. It was a mess and I found myself hooked. I was picking sides and getting defensive of people and angry at others.
Then the song ended.
I felt a slight moment of guilt and then hit replay and the song started again but by then the baby was crying and I had to turn it off.
Once the kids were tucked into bed tonight I started "researching" opinions on doctrine and getting angry and frustrated because of what others believe and whether or not I agree with said people. Then I replayed this mornings failed attempt at worship back in my mind. It is a perfect metaphor for what I do repeatedly in life. I get caught up in my own opinions of the bible vs. the opinions and beliefs of others and miss out on opportunities to worship God and commune with Him. Not that it's unimportant to know what one believes about Jesus but it is far more important to spend time with Him! Why spend time arguing about Him or watching others argue (since I'm severely anti-confrontational) when I can spend time WITH him!!!
My point being: I want to spend more time walking with Jesus than I do arguing with others about Him.
This morning I got on youtube to worship in the comfort of my bedroom. I looked up "Hosanna" by Hillsong and while waiting for the annoying ad to pass I started reading the comments underneath the video. Ohhh the dra-ma! People were tearing each other apart. Christians against atheists. Christians against other Christians. It was a mess and I found myself hooked. I was picking sides and getting defensive of people and angry at others.
Then the song ended.
I felt a slight moment of guilt and then hit replay and the song started again but by then the baby was crying and I had to turn it off.
Once the kids were tucked into bed tonight I started "researching" opinions on doctrine and getting angry and frustrated because of what others believe and whether or not I agree with said people. Then I replayed this mornings failed attempt at worship back in my mind. It is a perfect metaphor for what I do repeatedly in life. I get caught up in my own opinions of the bible vs. the opinions and beliefs of others and miss out on opportunities to worship God and commune with Him. Not that it's unimportant to know what one believes about Jesus but it is far more important to spend time with Him! Why spend time arguing about Him or watching others argue (since I'm severely anti-confrontational) when I can spend time WITH him!!!
My point being: I want to spend more time walking with Jesus than I do arguing with others about Him.
10:37 AM
When I can't decide
I feel like I'm in this weird waiting zone in life right now. I have so many decisions to make and I don't feel close to a resolution on any of them. I keep mulling over the options in my mind. This gets me nowhere because I have the gift/curse of being able to see all sides of any given issue. Just as I feel like I have convinced myself of a decision the other side rears it's head and I'm confused and undecided once again.
This morning I open my "Jesus Calling" devotional by Sarah Young and here is what I read:
"Save your best striving for seeking My face. I am constantly communicating with you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of My Presence shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it form My perspective. If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece."
Wow! God's timing is always so perfect! I realize that I must seek God first. In all of the decisions on my plate right now I had not sought God's counsel. I had not even considered asking God to guide my choices. After reading this I prayed and asked God for guidance. I apologized for jumping into so many ventures without first seeking Him. I asked that He would help me to sort out all of the options that lay before me at this time. He immediately answered me by laying scripture on my heart. I heard that still small voice respond "Let My peace be an umpire for you. Let it decide what is in and what is out in your life. Follow My peace." I searched for this verse and found: Colossians3:15 "And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]." (Amplified Bible)
God is so faithful! I must praise Him and thank Him for all He does in my life. I may not have all the answers to my questions just yet but I am content in knowing that the peace of Christ will guide me. I will follow that peace and trust that God will make my paths straight. Is there a decision in your life that you feel confused and restless about? I pray that you would seek Him first and trust He is guiding your steps. You don't need to worry for one more minute! Seek Him.
I will leave you with this verse:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs3:5-6
This morning I open my "Jesus Calling" devotional by Sarah Young and here is what I read:
"Save your best striving for seeking My face. I am constantly communicating with you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of My Presence shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it form My perspective. If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece."
Wow! God's timing is always so perfect! I realize that I must seek God first. In all of the decisions on my plate right now I had not sought God's counsel. I had not even considered asking God to guide my choices. After reading this I prayed and asked God for guidance. I apologized for jumping into so many ventures without first seeking Him. I asked that He would help me to sort out all of the options that lay before me at this time. He immediately answered me by laying scripture on my heart. I heard that still small voice respond "Let My peace be an umpire for you. Let it decide what is in and what is out in your life. Follow My peace." I searched for this verse and found: Colossians3:15 "And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]." (Amplified Bible)
God is so faithful! I must praise Him and thank Him for all He does in my life. I may not have all the answers to my questions just yet but I am content in knowing that the peace of Christ will guide me. I will follow that peace and trust that God will make my paths straight. Is there a decision in your life that you feel confused and restless about? I pray that you would seek Him first and trust He is guiding your steps. You don't need to worry for one more minute! Seek Him.
I will leave you with this verse:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs3:5-6
7:50 AM
"Food" for Thought
Numbers11:4-6
"The rabble who were among them had greedy desires; and also the sons of Israel wept again and said, “Who will give us meat to eat? We remember the fish which we used to eat free in Egypt, the cucumbers and the melons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic, but now our appetite is gone. There is nothing at all to look at except this manna.” NASB
I read this and think, "God strike them dead! Strike them dead right now!" How ungrateful! How selfish! How #@$&!!! I get angry when I read this. How dare they complain about how God chooses to provide for them! God has delivered them from slavery in Egypt! He freed them! He has shown them miracles and is leading them through the desert and RAINING DOWN MANNA FROM THE SKKKKY! But, that's not enough for them! They have to compare what God is giving to them to what they had while in slavery?? My mind just can't comprehend their attitudes.
Then God whispers to me "are you not the same?" My heart sinks as I realize I do this repeatedly in my own life! God delivered me from the slavery and bondage of sin. He freed me to live a new life in Christ! Yet, I still grumble and complain! I still have the audacity to question how God chooses to provide for me! I am guilty of missing the life I had in slavery and often reminisce about the luxuries I had before Christ freed me. I used to be able to party. I used to be able to dress however I wanted. I used to be able to cuss. I used to be able to sin without being aware of my sin. Ignorance was bliss. I can often get caught up in those ungrateful thoughts and think "God why did you even save me? This life is so much harder! I was better off in slavery."
Once again God has used His word to bring my sin to the surface so that I can face it and deal with it. The verse that comes to mind is Hebrews4:12 "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." His word has cut me straight to the heart this morning. I realize that I am no different than the Israelites. This saddens me. My heart breaks knowing that I behave this way. That I have forgotten all God has delivered me from. That I complain at all when He has showed me great love and mercy and grace. He has pulled me out of the pit of addiction and placed me high on the rock and given me a firm place to stand!* I am so thankful that God has shown me the sin in my heart because only then am I able to repent and turn from my own selfish and sinful nature.
I read this and think, "God strike them dead! Strike them dead right now!" How ungrateful! How selfish! How #@$&!!! I get angry when I read this. How dare they complain about how God chooses to provide for them! God has delivered them from slavery in Egypt! He freed them! He has shown them miracles and is leading them through the desert and RAINING DOWN MANNA FROM THE SKKKKY! But, that's not enough for them! They have to compare what God is giving to them to what they had while in slavery?? My mind just can't comprehend their attitudes.
Then God whispers to me "are you not the same?" My heart sinks as I realize I do this repeatedly in my own life! God delivered me from the slavery and bondage of sin. He freed me to live a new life in Christ! Yet, I still grumble and complain! I still have the audacity to question how God chooses to provide for me! I am guilty of missing the life I had in slavery and often reminisce about the luxuries I had before Christ freed me. I used to be able to party. I used to be able to dress however I wanted. I used to be able to cuss. I used to be able to sin without being aware of my sin. Ignorance was bliss. I can often get caught up in those ungrateful thoughts and think "God why did you even save me? This life is so much harder! I was better off in slavery."
Once again God has used His word to bring my sin to the surface so that I can face it and deal with it. The verse that comes to mind is Hebrews4:12 "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." His word has cut me straight to the heart this morning. I realize that I am no different than the Israelites. This saddens me. My heart breaks knowing that I behave this way. That I have forgotten all God has delivered me from. That I complain at all when He has showed me great love and mercy and grace. He has pulled me out of the pit of addiction and placed me high on the rock and given me a firm place to stand!* I am so thankful that God has shown me the sin in my heart because only then am I able to repent and turn from my own selfish and sinful nature.
Let this Psalm be the prayer of my heart this morning:
"The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul;
The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;
The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether.
They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold;
Sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them Your servant is warned;
In keeping them there is great reward.
Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults.
Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins;
Let them not rule over me;
Then I will be [e]blameless,
And I shall be acquitted of great transgression.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer." Psalm19:7-14
The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;
The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether.
They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold;
Sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them Your servant is warned;
In keeping them there is great reward.
Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults.
Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins;
Let them not rule over me;
Then I will be [e]blameless,
And I shall be acquitted of great transgression.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer." Psalm19:7-14
*Psalm40:2
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