Calm and Clear

I walked to my car and put the white baggy in my center console.  I was filled with equal parts excitement and dread.  I found myself continually glancing at that bag on the drive home.  I could hear the pills inside rattling as I drove.  I didn't know whether that rattle should bring hope or terror.

When I was safely at home I opened the bottle and shook one tiny blue pill into the palm of my hand.

No turning back now.

I cut the pill in half (Dr.'s orders), threw it in my mouth and washed it down with a glass of water.

Then.  I waited.

I wasn't sure what to expect and at first I felt nothing.  One hour in I was attempting to write a "Happy Birthday" message on facebook for my son and realized I felt stoned.  It was like I was watching a movie of myself typing and then talking and moving.

I expected a lot of side effects but feeling high as a kite was not something I prepared for.  I immediately typed "zoloft side effects" into my browser.  The internet has all the answers after all... right?

I read horror story after horror story but then I stumbled on women like me that wrote about how zoloft saved their lives.  I also read that the side effects in the first two weeks are temporary.

As the day went on I felt better and better.

I told my husband it was probably just a placebo effect.  Surely, no drug could change a person so quickly.  But, with every hour that goes by without my usual anxiety, depression and compulsive behaviors I am finding it hard to believe it could be anything short of a miracle.

Here is the best way I can explain how I feel:

Last night I went into my room and found a pile of dirty diapers on the floor (gross. I know. please don't judge me.)

My normal thought process:
Look at all these dirty diapers.  You are such a shitty wife.   You are such a shitty mom.  You're a failure.  What do you even do all day?  You're so lazy and irresponsible.  Why can't you just be normal like everyone else and clean up your shit.

Then I would feel so mentally beaten down and exhausted that I wouldn't even bother to pick up the diapers.  I would have walked over them with my head hung down in shame and climbed into my bed.  I would have continued to beat myself up until I fell asleep and then woke up to those same diapers the next morning and started the cycle over again.

THAT was my life.

But my zoloft thought process went like this:
Look at all these dirty diapers.  I need to throw these away.

Then ... wait for it ... I... threw...them...away!!!!!

I cannot even begin to explain how that feels.  To be able to see what needs to be done and be able to do it.

There are a million other examples like that over the last 48 hours.

I feel calm.

I feel clear.

I know I'm only two days in but I'm praying this is the real deal.

.............................................

Are you battling anxiety, depression, OCD, ADD or any other mental health issue that alters your daily life? 

Please don't wait another day to reach out to your doctor.  Medication is not the only answer neither is it the answer for every person.  Your doctor will be able to help you determine the best treatment for you. 

Be encouraged.  You are not alone.