My depression is an a-hole.

Hi, my name is Heather and I battle depression.

Not like an "every now and then I feel blue" depression.  It's more like a big, bad, in-my-face, bully, mean and ugly depression.  My depression is an a-hole.  We are not friends and I really want to break up.  But, he's like that boyfriend you break up with but he won't take a hint and keeps calling and acting like you're still together.  Ya, he's like that.

This month has been especially heavy for me.  I went to the Dr. to finally get some medication. (therapists have been trying to medicate me since high school but I refused to admit it was necessary)  I am finally at the point of accepting that this depression is holding me back from being myself and loving those I care about.  I'm going to get better.  I have hope.  I can see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Today I had been crying a lot and feeling worthless.  Instead of staying in that place I decided to reach out to a trusted friend and she suggested writing a list of all the things I'm thankful for and getting alone with Jesus to ask for his help and to thank Him.  If you have depression than you know how hard it is to just stand up much less think and breathe and talk and pray.  But, this friend also struggles with depression and is much further along in her recovery so I knew what she was asking was possible and I could do it.

Then my husband and I decided to watch church online.

As if the message were meant just for me our pastor said these words:

"A thankless heart becomes a discouraged heart."

After watching the rest of the message I got out my notebook and pen and prayed.  My mind began to surge with thankfulness.

Here is what I came up with... I am thankful for:

1.  A husband who adores me and treats me with love and respect.  Who I can be completely myself with.  Who understands my crazy.  Who I can fight to the death with and still find myself wrapped in his strong arms before I fall asleep at night.

2.  My oldest son who is so forgiving.  Who is soft and sensitive in some difficult but beautiful ways.  Who cares about my feelings.  Who cares about justice and fairness and humility.  Who hates bragging and inconsistency.  Who is honest and kind.

3.  My only girl.  Who tells me I'm sweet whenever I'm being ugly.  Who loves violently. (like for real... she will tell you she loves you too much and then punch you.)  Who tries very hard to please.  Who is funny and smart.  Who is wild and unruly is the very best ways.

4.  My baby whose smile brightens my very worst days.  Who babbles and laughs and dances.  Who loves the piano.  Who falls asleep on my chest and fills my heart with joy and contentment.

5.  My home that's often (always) messy.  That provides us with shelter.  That's the keeper of our memories.  Of every meal eaten around our old junky table.  Of every living room dance party ever held.  Of every teaching moment missed and every teaching moment captured and of every beautiful, noisy, chaotic moment in between.

6.  Noise.  The constant buzz of children growing up.  Coming home before our date night last night to a house without our children made me thankful for the noise I so often hate and complain about.  It won't always be noisy and some day, sooner than I would like, it will be gone.  The house will be quiet and that will be beautiful in its own right but I will miss the noise.

7.  For my best friend.  We've been up and we've been down.  We've fallen in and out of love with each other over the years.  But, that has built this strong foundation and history that I wouldn't change for anything.  We have screamed at each other, made each other cry, pulled each other out of the pit, shared laughs and inside jokes, watched each others children growing up,  prayed for each other and wiped each others tears.  She is my rock.  She is my safe place.  She is my S.I.C.

I am thankful.  A thankful heart becomes an encouraged heart.

..........................

Are you battling depression?  Get help. Reach out. Speak up. Refocus. Pray. Be thankful.