I'm jumping off the cliff.

 Recovery.

That's a word I thought I had all figured out.

My understanding of recovery was that once I completed my step study in Celebrate Recovery I would be fixed and able to go on with my life.  I thought I could just show up, answer some questions and once it was over I would be good.  Done.  Finished.  Recovered. 

I now know that to be a lie. 

Recovery isn't a one time thing.  It isn't a cut and dry equation; problem and answer.  It isn't even always upward in a straight line. 

Recovery is movement.

Recovery is brave. 

Recovering is one moment at a time.

By definition recovery is a process of combating a disorder.  That definition alone implies that it's not easy.  It's not meant to be.  Recovery is falling down on the battlefield and being courageous enough to get back up and fight.  It's knowing that even when it looks like you're failing you really aren't.  God uses it all.  The triumphs and the set backs.  It's all a lesson if we choose to view it that way. 

Before this realization I wondered why my life didn't just instantly get better after my, so called, recovery.  I felt hopeless.  I felt like recovery failed me.  Like it worked for everyone else but not for me.  Like I must be missing some piece of the puzzle that everyone else had but wasn't showing me. 

There was a piece I was missing but it wasn't a secret everyone was keeping.  It was right there all along but I refused to see it.  The piece I couldn't see was that recovery is never over.  It's not just before and after.  I will never be fully recovered this side of heaven.  But, I will not give up the fight to keep moving forward.  Recovery is hard work and I am finally ready to do my work.

I went into a 12 step program with the expectation of controlling my compulsive addictions.  I did stop some of my compulsive behavior while in the program but I never addressed the heartbreak and grief underneath these behaviors.  This fact is nobodies fault but my own.  I realize now I never truly moved past step 1.  I went through the motions of "recovery" but I really just shifted from one addiction to another.  In a sense I believe I became addicted to step 1.

Step 1.
We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors,
that our lives had become unmanageable.
“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have
the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)

I got step 1 mastered.  I am a pro at admitting that my life in unmanageable.  This was huge for me because before CR I kept all my shameful addictions and behaviors inside.  I was full of dirty little secrets that almost no one in my life was aware of.  I made sure everything looked good on the outside.  I pretended to be happy.  I'm a really good actress.  So, finally admitting to a group of people that my life was a lie and that I was out of control was HUGE.  But, I got stuck there.  I hung out there.  I confused pity with love.  I gave up the addictions I came in with and replaced them with an addiction to sharing my story.  When I shared my story people pitied me.  They comforted me.  They hugged me.  I felt loved for who I really was and it felt goooood.  Just like the addictions I was there to recover from this new drug made me feel in control.  I could make other people love me by sharing crap with them.  But, truth be told pity ain't love.

I skipped over steps 2 and 3 (which I now realize may be the most important of all the steps... go me!) and went straight to step 4.  I'm really good at "phoning it in" so no one, myself included, realized I didn't REALLY do steps 2 and 3.  But, I can now see that I didn't.  I never gave up my story.  I never moved from admitting my life was unmanageable to believing God could restore it and making the decision to turn my will over to Him.

I got stuck.

Step 2.
We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good
purpose.” (Philippians 2:13)

Step 3.
We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God.
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies
as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of
worship.” (Romans 12:1)

Getting stuck on step 1 has led to a break down in my life.  Constantly living in a state of admitting your life is unmanageable without a solution leads to some serious guilt and depression.

I am now on medication and in therapy (and soon another step study) to deal with my crap.  The real crap.  Not the symptoms and behaviors but the real stuff underneath it all.  The stuff I have avoided talking about and letting go of for most of my life.

I feel like I've been standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, paralyzed with fear that if I jump off I will die.  That once I jump off the cliff there is no turning back.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of facing my shame.  I'm afraid of changing.  I'm afraid of who I am if I'm no longer a victim.  But, that's where steps 2 and 3 come in.  I have to finally trust that God is bigger than the Grand Canyon.  That standing at the edge isn't living.  I have to be brave, I have to jump in and trust that He won't let me die.  That because God has my back I have nothing to fear.  That I can turn control over to Him.

As a wise person once put it I don't need to just let Jesus drive while I sit in the passenger seat.  I need to lock myself in the trunk.

So, here it goes.  I'm jumping off the cliff and there's no turning back.

I know it will be scary and I have no idea what will happen but I know I can't stand on the edge for one more excruciating second.

I have to do the work.

I have to believe.

I have to live.

I have to jump.
..............................................

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