A Place to Belong

I have forever been envious of the girls who have a group.  You know the girls who have been friends since high school or college or whatever.  They seem like they're own little family.  They go on vacation together.  They go out to dinner together.  They all get pregnant around the same time and then their kids grow up together.

They have a place to belong.

I have never really had that.  I have friends... really great friends!  But, I have never felt that sense of family with a group of women (who are also all friends... picture sex in the city).  I have always had more individualized friendships with people who don't know each other. (make sense?)

I believe we all have this need to feel that we are known and we are loved.  That we belong.  I have had people who have "known" me (like all the ugly stuff) but not necessarily "loved" me and I have had people in my life who have "loved" me but I don't feel that they truly "know" me or care to.  And it's always left me feeling unworthy, displaced and unsure.

When I first started reading the Bible I was constantly moved to tears by the way God loves.  It was like he showed me over and over again these wretched people.  He would call them to follow Him and they would turn their back on Him.  They would murder and steal and cheat and royally screw up the love that God had given them.  I would wait, expecting God to do what we humans do to each other:  surely God is going to turn away from them now... surely He is going to take back His love now that He knows how unfaithful and messed up they are.... but... every.single.time I was shocked and amazed to see that He kept loving them.  That He knew them... every shameful detail... and He loved them with an everlasting love.

For the first time in my life I felt "I belong".

I thought that feeling would last forever and to some degree it does.  Deep down I have that to cling to. That no matter what I am known and I am loved by the creator of everything!  I wish I could say that because of my knowing this I no longer struggle with trying to find my place in this world.  Unfortunately that's not true.  I still envy those women who have that circle of women in their life that know them and love them completely.

I often struggle with numbing my pain with sugar and alcohol.  I realized this on a deeper level last night because I am unable to drink or eat sugar right now.  I am having major dental issues (ok I lie they are minor at best but hey it's my mouth and to me any dental issue is MAJOR).  After the kids went to bed I got this yucky, uneasy, uncomfortable in my own skin, anxious feeling.  I got on facebook, tried to watch t.v. and neither made me feel better.  I had an "aha" moment when I realized this is normally the time of night when I begin to nurse a glass of wine or eat a bowl of ice cream (which takes me at least 30 minutes because clearly I got problems mmm hmmm).

I started talking to Brandon and telling him how I just feel off.  I had been reading "Bread & Wine" (amazing book!!!) buuuut the author often writes about her "people".  The women in her life.  And it triggered my deep seeded insecurity about friendship.  As I laid it all out for my, wonderful and patient husband, I unexpectedly hit the nail on the head and started crying.  I am lonely.  I want community.  I want to belong.  I want to find my place.

My husband, in his calming wise way that he has, told me exactly what I needed to hear:  "As you focus on God and seek Him instead of this other stuff that doesn't matter you will feel peace... keep reading the Bible and turning to Him and know that you belong to Him."

Did I marry well or what??? I mean really! He's top notch!

He is so right!  Talking it out with him I also realized I am being like Eve.  Eve had been given everything she ever needed by God but she allowed herself to be tempted to doubt God's goodness and covet the one thing she did not have.  I guess the apple didn't fall far from the proverbial tree.  Hahahaha but really.  In order to feel so pitiful and lonely I have to turn away from all that God has given me and desire the one thing I don't have.  I am part of this amazing family with a man I fall more in love with daily!  I have friends that know my inner most flaws and my gifts and love me and pray for me and encourage me daily (even if they aren't friends with each other... who cares??? seriously! SER.IOUS.LY!)  I have parents and siblings and children and my church and a home and and and ... you get the idea.  How ungrateful to think that God is holding out on me.  But, the best part is that even in moments of complete ungratefulness and self pity GOD STILL LOVES ME!

God loves me and that IS enough!  He is my place to belong!