Be content with what you have. What you have is enough.
I want more friends.
My heart is like a vacuum that indiscriminately sucks up people. My heart is never full enough so I compulsively seek friends that might love me enough to stop the pain. I have felt lonely and rejected since I was five years old. That five year old little girl is narcissistic to the core. Her needs are insatiable. She doesn't know how to be a friend, but she knows how to make new ones. That's what I do. I try to make enough friends to turn the vacuum in my heart off. To convince myself I am worthy, likable, lovable, and good. My heart is a bottomless hole and I have no love to give. Therefore, I make friends but then expect them to fix me. I have so many needs and expectations that I can't even begin to meet their needs or be a friend. On top of all of this I am extremely introverted and enjoy my time alone. But, I reject that part of myself and tell myself that having a large group of girlfriends and a full social calendar equals love and acceptance. Instead of honoring myself and treasuring the few close friends that I have I continue to try to gain the approval of women in order to fill my broken heart.
You can't do better until you know better.
I know better. I am learning all about the needs of that little girl that lives in my heart. It's time I help her grow up. I am purposefully pouring into the few friends that I have and not acting on the compulsive need to make new ones.
Be content with what you have. What you have is enough.
I want more things.
Pinterest is a dangerous thing for me. I have had a pinterest in my mind since I was little. I keep a mental inventory of all the things that I want but do not have. From the cool shoes that every girl but me had to the perfect rustic dining room table. Pinterest gives me a greater sense of need. I can salivate over pictures of things for hours. It feels good in the moment. I can fantasize over my dream kitchen or hair color or outfit and now, instead of doing this in my imagination, I have real life visual images of these things I desire. It's like a drug. My mood is lifted in the moment but then comes the hangover. In the wake of my pinterest high nothing I actually have in my real life seems good enough. It's all wrong. My clothes. My decor. My life.
Lately, I have been convicted of this need for things. It's unhealthy and at the very heart of this need is an ungrateful little brat.
Somewhere in this world at this very moment is a woman covering her baby in a piece of newspaper to keep her warm and praying that they'll just wake up in the morning. There are people suffering needs every single day. Real, live, flesh and blood, made in His image, people. That doesn't mean my needs don't matter just because someone else's needs are more but it does give me some perspective. It helps me differentiate between my genuine needs and my wants.
Pinterest isn't the problem. My empty heart is the problem and no amount of things will ever be enough to fill it. I have been given so much and I don't appreciate it.
I am working on being thankful. I am trying to grow up.
Be content with what you have. What you have is enough.
If I keep chasing after the ever elusive "more" I'm afraid I'll lose what I have, wake up older and realize what I had was more than I ever dreamed.
I will be content with what I have. What I have is enough.
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Don't miss what you have searching for what you have not.
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